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What Do You Think?

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Nippy
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What Do You Think?

Post by Nippy »

Hi guys, I'd like you to do me a favour, read this short story/prologue/first chapter I've written. I'd like to hear your opinions about it. Don't be shy, I won't bite, much... :D :D

Davion strode out onto the sand. He kicked off his boots and knelt on the coarse surface. He prayed for deliverance and that should he fall his spirit would be accepted into the Halls of the Victors.

He drew his sword, only a small weapon unlike his normal Greatsword. Arena combat needed speed instead of brute strength. He rubbed against the coarse linen around his stomach, put there to stop the entrails from escaping. The light from the chandeliers faded, the assassin entered, this man had a mark against Davion’s employer, a failed contract had forced Crason to dual Davion. A horrid business yet Davion had no choice, he had killed Crason’s partner, his brother, and naturally he demanded justice.

“What an odd society we live in,” thought Davion. “A murderer can demand a death dual and yet a simple thief will be hanged for stealing an apple to provide for his family. Still, the laws of society must be followed...”

Crason entered the arena with cheers from the crowd, he rallied support wherever he went, a charismatic person like he could succeed in society.

Crason glared at Davion, he held no fear in his eyes, merely a cold steely glare, Davion looked away, the dual would only have one result, and it would mean death for the other person, no hard feelings after.

The pit master called the Djinn bodyguard to ring the gong for silence, he boomed outwards with a powerful voice.

“Welcome, friends to the feature match tonight! Already we have had three gladiator deaths and a surprise victory for Hendak against a troll, where oh where did he get that acid from?” Grinned Lethinan, “Oh come now, Gloria, surely you can tell me?” A horrible, contorted smile found some way from escaping Lethinan’s lips. A thug appeared from the shadows of a doorway dragging a girl by a torn blouse. She was sobbing with red welt marks scattered on her face. In the nearby cells a blonde haired man roared in anguish, he started shaking the bars, like he was in a rage. Davion was familiar with a rage, after all, he had trained to release himself in combat like that.

Davion looked on in horror as the girl was dragged before Lethinan, he unsheathed a small dagger from his belt and was about to strike down on the poor serving girl before Davion cried out.

“My lord! A word if I may” The crowd booed and hissed, they had lost the opportunity for blood to be spilled.

“As you know, the victor of this fight would win any object of his desire, I wish to change my prize, I want the girl to be freed and her servitude given to me.”

The crowd became agitated, they wanted blood.

Lethinan demanded silence again.

“By the Gods man why would you want this, this wench! She is nothing!”

“My reasons are my own my lord, is my request granted?”

“Get on with man, I want this fight over!” cried Crason.

“Well, if you want it that bad then you will have to make a sacrifice, you have a choice, you fight with one arm or you fight blind.” He brandished a thick piece of black cord.

“I fight with one arm.”

“Oh a ****y one is it! Well then you shall have it as you wish! Tie him up!

Another thug appeared, he gruffly tied Davion’s left arm and left again.

“Let battle commence!”

The brass gong rung and Crason closed in quickly looking for a quick kill, his eyes gleamed with cold, murderous intent. He lunged at Davion, hoping to pierce a lung quickly. Davion was unused to the constriction of one arm and could not dodge quick enough, his left shoulder was knicked by the blade. He quickly round housed and kicked the feet out from under the assassin and only just a missed a decapitating cut when Crason rolled out of the way. Davion’s wound began to burn, he risked a look at it and noticed a festering cut. Crason had poisoned his weapon! Davion turned and faced Crason, his dark face was smirking at Davion.

“You like my little surprise?” Grinned Crason.

The wound was murderously painful, it burned like hellfire and Davion’s brow began to burn, the poison was getting into his immune system, he calmed himself. He needed the rage now.

Often people presumed that the rage was only something that gave you strength, it was often the most conscious choice yet Davion had gone on a different path, he required more control, better reflexes and a faster, cooler mind.

He worked into that state, found a cool spot and let his hours of training do the work for him, he attained the state of mind just as Crason lunged again.

With his new state of mind Davion deftly leapt backwards out of the lunge. He brought his sword up and parried a cross-slash from Crason and committed a lethal disembowelling lunge himself. He missed by a half an inch.

Crason began to worry now, he had not anticipated this, he struggled to even repel Davion’s thrust let alone attack, his mind drifted back to the night before…

They were running back from the mark when they met a figure in the alley, unknown to them it was Davion, they charged at him and he killed his brother, he was dead! A dark, overpowering rage came to him. A voice whispered in his mind.

“We can get him you know, I can give you your brother back and you can get your vengeance…”

“Cyric… Cyric, is that you? Have you answered me?”

“All you have to do is die…”

The voice faded from Crason’s mind.

He came back to the fight and saw the lunge, it was too late, Davion had pierced the lung.

The blood bubbled up his throat, he coughed and hacked blood onto the floor. He fell onto his knees, his vision faded, he felt his last breath came and Cyric’s dark smile was the last thing that Crason saw. He died on the floor of the pit.

Davion walked up to the banister where the Gloria was being held, Lethinan looked at Davion with disgust and walked off. Davions slumped to his knees, the poison was more powerful than he had thought.

Gloria helped him to his changing area and locked the door. She looked out of the bars in the door and knelt down beside Davion, she began to chant a spell...

Well, what do you think? Comments are appreciated, I’d like to know if you think I should carry on, as you can see a bit of a cliff-hanger here... :D :D
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Post by Tamerlane »

Hmmm, I seem to be first to reply.

I like the BG2 touches, and yes you have reached the cliff hanger point. I must find out how it ends and more importantly how the battle arose.

Continue writing...
!
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Post by Garcia »

Did you write that you little Shakespeare :)
It is really good Nippy.....
Like the atmosphere and your choice of words to describe.
Plz go on


Well? I am waiting :D :)
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Nippy
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Post by Nippy »

Originally posted by Garcia:
<STRONG>Did you write that you little Shakespeare :)
It is really good Nippy.....
Like the atmosphere and your choice of words to describe.
Plz go on


Well? I am waiting :D :) </STRONG>
Indeed I did write it, thanks for the compliments, I'm working on more (Damn school!)

:D :D
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Post by Rob-hin »

It's good, I would like to read more about how it will go with the characters (Gloria and Davion...who knows :) ).

But the characters are interesting, so keep writing if you like, we''ll read it!
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Post by Nippy »

Chapter 2 is in progress... :)
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Post by Nippy »

And here is Chapter 2, I don't think this one is as good, it is more transitional and used for an explanation. I will maybe post some more tomorrow... :D :D
Chapter 2

His vision flickered, the burning was still present but not as painful as it once was. He opened his eyes a little and found himself in his quarters in his master’s estate. Gloria was sitting in a chair near his bed with a small plate of food and a deep cup of water. He stirred and reached for the cup, his left arm tried to rise but a great deal of pain erupted in his muscles. He winced in pain and drew in a sharp breath of air. Gloria stirred and held the cup to Davion’s lips, his throat was incredibly parched and the water was like the discovery of an oasis in the harshest desert.

“Gloria, what happened? I remember nearly nothing…”

“I took you back to the changing room, Crason’s poison was quite lethal. I’m sure it was created by a Talonan priestess, quite dangerous. When I had made a few unsuccessful attempts at a normal healing I had to use a spell to remove the whole blood flow in your arm, the toxin was spreading too quickly and I needed to stop it. After I stopped the flow of blood I traced the poison and removed it, here’s a vial of the stuff, a keepsake if you like…”

“But how? Surely if you could cast all those spells you must be a very powerful cleric…”

“Well you could say that. I worship Tempus, you are aware of him?”

“Of course! I worship him too, when I die he will take my soul to the Hall of Victors.”

“Yes, that’s it. The reason I can cast those spells is because of this piece of metal.”

She held out a thin sliver of metal inside a pendant, encased inside forever.

“This a small part of Tempus’ blade. He gave it to me after my parents died…”

Her voice faded and her eyes looked downcast, she gripped the necklace until her knuckles went white, she looked up and her eyes burned with passion of loss and hatred.

“I was on a quest to get vengeance for my family, I travelled south through Baldurs Gate and was caught by some bandits. They sold me into slavery and I ended up here. There was nothing I could do, they took my necklace away for me yet Tempus’ blessing’s must be many for after I left each place of servitude my necklace went with me. I kept this hidden up until now, you and Hendak are the only people in Athkatla who know about my necklace. You saved me and now I shall serve you, my first act was to heal you. Do you require anything else master?”

Her eyes had a forlorn look, she was downcast again. Davion smiled at her.

“Do not call me master, I despise that term, in any case you are not my slave. My prize was your freedom, as such you are free.”

Her eyes shot up.

“You are freeing me? Are you serious? You are letting me go?”

“Of course, I ask a few things of you though. Who is Hendak? The Gladiator you helped?”

“Yes… yes, Hendak did help me. He stopped me from getting beaten. He helped me to survive in that Godforsaken place.”

“Another thing, how old are you?”

“I am 19 summers old Davion, do you mind me calling you that, Davion?”

“Of course not, it is my name after all! Have you met my employer yet, Sir Connavar?”

“Indeed I have, he is a truly honourable gentlemen.”
“Yes, yes he is. Have you anywhere to stay? It’s just that I think Connavar might like to employ you. He is looking for a healer in his ward room. He operates a free healing clinic along with the Ilmaterians and they need help, many ill people come in a day, they are overworked but any worker is provided a room and 3 gold pieces a week wage.”

”Three pieces! How can he afford it? That is a huge amount of money!”

“Well he was actually part of a group that explored a dungeon and they returned with many gold pieces. He invested his money and his funds soared. He is happily married and wants for nothing. He is actually a high Paladin for Order of the Radiant Heart and I am head guard for his lands.”

“Well thank you for helping me out of that I will speak to Connavar about the job and maybe I’ll get it.” The welt marks had gone from her face, she looked incredibly pretty and Davion’s heart soared when he saw her smile.

“Aye, I will see you soon Gloria. Good bye for now!”
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Post by Xyx »

Very good! :)

There's a few minor details that seem off a little (or maybe I just need to read it again).

And what is a Paladin doing investing his funds? Isn't he supposed to have taken a vow of poverty? (and doesn't that make marriage a difficult option?)
[url="http://www.sorcerers.net/Games/BG2/SpellsReference/Main.htm"]Baldur's Gate 2 Spells Reference[/url]: Strategy, tips, tricks, bugs, cheese and corrections to the manual.
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Post by Nippy »

Originally posted by Xyx:
<STRONG>Very good! :)

There's a few minor details that seem off a little (or maybe I just need to read it again).

And what is a Paladin doing investing his funds? Isn't he supposed to have taken a vow of poverty? (and doesn't that make marriage a difficult option?)</STRONG>
Thanks for the compliment :) :)

The Paladin had used the funds to create a healing ward with another church, Paladins are allowed to marry (Keldorn and Moira in BG2). The vow of poverty was in D&D 1. It is not necessarily the same in the others. :)
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Post by Garrett »

I like the story but if I was you I would stay away from the subtle BG2 touches. There is nothing wrong with having the story take place in Athkatla, but many will not take you seriously if you write the story with ideas from a computer game.
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