World Ideologies as Explained by Reference to Cows

The Z · Post by **The Z** » Fri Jan 24, 2003 9:15 pm

Feudalism
You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

Pure Socialism
You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The government gives you all the milk you need.

Bureaucratic Socialism
Your cows are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs the regulations say you should need.

Fascism
You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.

Pure Communism
You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

Real World Communism
You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need". Meanwhile, no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of starvation.

Russian Communism
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the black market.

Perestroika
You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the Mafia takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on the "free" market.

Cambodian Communism
You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

Militarianism
You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

Totalitarianism
You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.

Pure Democracy
You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

Representative Democracy
You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

British Democracy
You have two cows. You feed them sheeps' brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.

Bureaucracy
You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

Pure Anarchy
You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

Pure Capitalism
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

Capitalism
You don't have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows, because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.

Enviromentalism
You have two cows. The government bans you from milking or killing them.

Political Correctness
You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo centric, war mongering, intolerant past) two differently - aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

Surrealism
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

All this from here

Scayde · Post by **Scayde** » Fri Jan 24, 2003 9:19 pm

OMG..

.....I think this is one of the funniest things I have ever seen

.....ROTFLMGDAO

Tybaltus · Post by **Tybaltus** » Fri Jan 24, 2003 9:27 pm

Originally posted by The Z

Surrealism
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Rock on!

Yes. This was quite hilarious. Thanks for the laugh. Well played.

The Z · Post by **The Z** » Fri Jan 24, 2003 9:28 pm

Just trying to ease the seriousness of the Communism Thread

dragon wench · Post by **dragon wench** » Fri Jan 24, 2003 9:29 pm

LMAO! Priceless!

I especially like:

Political Correctness
You are associated with (the concept of "ownership" is a symbol of the phallo centric, war mongering, intolerant past) two differently - aged (but no less valuable to society) bovines of non-specified gender.

The sad thing is... political correctness is really not very far away from this on most occasions...

Kayless · Post by **Kayless** » Fri Jan 24, 2003 11:42 pm

Originally posted by The Z
Surrealism
You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Dude, Surrealism rocks!

fable · Post by **fable** » Fri Jan 24, 2003 11:53 pm

An oldie, but a goodie. I think the bit satirizing Mad Cow Disease has been added recently.

Morlock · Post by **Morlock** » Sat Jan 25, 2003 10:49 am

Originally posted by The Z
Militarianism
You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.
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Lol- hadn't seen these in a while.
This one above reminds me of a scene in 'Gangs of New York'- Irish immigrants just got off the boats, go to the desk- "This document makes you a citizen, this one makes you a soldier for the Union army. Now Go fight for your country!"

Mr Sleep · Post by **Mr Sleep** » Sat Jan 25, 2003 4:20 pm

Originally posted by Kayless
Dude, Surrealism rocks!

I'll have you know that minimalism rules!

Morlock, heh, nice one...btw I haven't seen a review from you on Gangs of New York, should I be expecting one?

Morlock · Post by **Morlock** » Sat Jan 25, 2003 5:12 pm

Originally posted by Mr Sleep
I'll have you know that minimalism rules!

Morlock, heh, nice one...btw I haven't seen a review from you on Gangs of New York, should I be expecting one?

I put it at the start of the Golden Globes thread (Second favorite movie of the year)

Mr Sleep · Post by **Mr Sleep** » Sat Jan 25, 2003 5:16 pm

Originally posted by Morlock
I put it at the start of the Golden Globes thread (Second favorite movie of the year)

Ah yes, so you did, I shall go check it out.

Erm, I have a question too, you know the music at the start with the preparation of the fight between Liam Neeson and Daniel Day Lewis, what is that and where can I get it. That music is just fantastic. Although I wasn't generally impressed with the score that particular bit was very effective.

ThorinOakensfield · Post by **ThorinOakensfield** » Sun Jan 26, 2003 12:31 am

Haha, really funny. I'm sure Aegis would like it.

Morlock · Post by **Morlock** » Sun Jan 26, 2003 12:59 am

Originally posted by Mr Sleep
Ah yes, so you did, I shall go check it out.

Erm, I have a question too, you know the music at the start with the preparation of the fight between Liam Neeson and Daniel Day Lewis, what is that and where can I get it. That music is just fantastic. Although I wasn't generally impressed with the score that particular bit was very effective.

The movie did not have much original music. Originaly Elmer Bernstein, who has worked with Scorsese before, wrote a score. For some reason, it was rejected (something pretty rare and considered the end of the working relationship between composer and rejector). So In came Howard Shore, who wrote three concert pieces and Peter Gabriel, who wrote one track (Gabriel previously scored Scorsese's Last Temptation of christ).
The rest was (As far as I know) largley previously released material, a lot from that period.

The music from this movie was extriemely hard to find, but I finaly found someone I chatted with who had the CD, so he emailed them to me.
So, unfortunatly, all I could do is give you the names.

I'm a bit confused about what you want- so here's what I got, and you'll pick for yourself.

Gospel Train by Silver Leaf Quartet is what's played when they're walking through the catacombes to the battle, and played also in all the brief flash-backs.

Signal To Noise- This is gabriel's piece, which I like a lot. It's a 7:38 minute piece, played during the opening battle. One oddity about it (which I noticed in the movie) was that it had heavy electric guitars in the middle, very strange for a movie score.

Dark Moon, High Tide by Afro Celt Sound System is a piece which I have no recollection of where it was played, but I know it was in the movie. It's a breezy and upbeat Celtic piece. Fun, but nothing more.

Brooklyn Heights 1-3 Shore's contribution. 3 pieces, very reminicent of LoTR, spred out thourout the movie. Now, for the life of me, I can't recall when they're played- but, since I remember relativly quiet music when the priest was getting ready (and shaving), best odds are that no. 1 is what was played during that scene.

I also got this one very fun song from the period (with lyrics) which was played in the movie: Finbar Furey- New York girls.

Sorry I couldn't be of more help.

BTW- could you post your own review? It's been hard to find people who've seen it.

Nightmare · Post by **Nightmare** » Sun Jan 26, 2003 7:08 pm

Ah...ROFL.

I've got a similar list...of the differing shades of capitalism around the globe.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A HINDU CORPORATION
You have two cows. You worship them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells, the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION
You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.

Sojourner · Post by **Sojourner** » Mon Jan 27, 2003 12:59 am

ROFLMAO

CM · Post by CM » Mon Jan 27, 2003 1:46 am

Now the capitalism one i handn't read!
LMAO!!!

The Z · Post by **The Z** » Mon Jan 27, 2003 9:08 pm

@Gaxx....LMAO! Brilliant!

Scayde · Post by **Scayde** » Mon Jan 27, 2003 9:11 pm

Originally posted by Gaxx_Firkraag
Ah...ROFL.

ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells, the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

LMAO

......

...You know..I think I see how this could work

The Z · Post by **The Z** » Mon Jan 27, 2003 9:13 pm

Now if only we could turn money/commodities into cows and see if these theories (facts) would work

The Z · Post by **The Z** » Sat Feb 01, 2003 6:17 pm

An addition I found which may/may not be funny:

OLYMPICS-ISM
You have two cows, one American, one Chinese. With the help of trilling violins and state of the art montage photography, John Tesh narrates the moving tale of how the American cow overcame the agony of growing up in a suburb with (gasp) divorced parents, then mentions in passing that the Chinese cow was beaten every day by a tyrannical farmer and watched its parents butchered before its eyes. The American cow wins the competition, severely spraining an udder in a gritty performance, and gets a multi-million dollar contract to endorse Wheaties. The Chinese cow is led out of the arena and shot by Chinese government officials, though no one ever hears about it. McDonald's buys the meat and serves it hot and fast at its Beijing restaurant.