I Am...

Aegis · Post by **Aegis** » Thu Apr 03, 2003 9:01 pm

Disclaimer:
1) contract in which one removes all responsibility of wrongful conduct
2) Agreement between parties for blame to not be placed
3) A statement made to save one's own ass

Note: I did not write these, nor believe everything written within them. I merely found them amusing. These do not directly reflect my opinion of any said groups of people. On a further note, I will refrain from posting the American one, unless specifically asked by an interested party...

With that said, enjoy...

I AM CANADIAN
(clears Thoat)
(the canadian one is actually a commercial and is all true!)

Hey...
I'm not a lumberjack, or a fur trader...
and I don't live in an igloo, or eat blubber, or own a dogsled...
and I don't know Jimmy, Sally or Suzy from Canada,
although I'm certain they're really, really nice.

I have a Prime Minister, not a President.
I speak English & French, NOT American.
and I pronounce it 'ABOUT', NOT 'A BOOT'.

I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack.
I believe in peace keeping, NOT policing.
DIVERSITY, NOT assimilation,
AND THAT THE BEAVER IS A TRULY PROUD AND NOBLE ANIMAL.

A TOQUE IS A HAT, A CHESTERFIELD IS A COUCH,
AND IT IS PRONOUNCED 'ZED' NOT 'ZEE', 'ZED'!!!
CANADA IS THE SECOND LARGEST LANDMASS!
THE FIRST NATION OF HOCKEY! AND THE BEST PART OF NORTH AMERICA!

MY NAME IS JOE!! AND I AM CANADIAN!!!!!!!!

I AM ITALIAN

Ciao...
I'm not a construction worker, a brick layer or a school janitor.
I don't live in a basement, or eat pasta every night.
And I don't drive a Camaro.
And I don't know Tony, Rocco or Gino from Woodbridge,
Although I'm certain they're very, very hairy people.

I drink wine...not beer. I don't use utensils for pizza.
I believe in open bars at weddings, not cash.
And its pronounced ESPRESSO, not EX-PRESSO.

I can proudly fly my country's flag out of my car during the worldcup.
Gelato IS ice cream, Biscotti ARE cookies,
Antonio Columbro IS the best of the tenors,
And it's Broo-SKetta, not Broo-SHetta!!

Italy is the ONLY country shaped like footwear,
The FIRST nation of soccer, And the BEST part of Europe!!
My name is Guiseppe !!!
AND I AM ITALIAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I AM PAKISTANI

Allo,
I'm not a cab driver, a 7-11 clerk or a gas attendant.
I don't go to fleamarkets, or worshipelephants, or eat with my hands.
And I don't know Akbar, Rampreet or Mohammed from Rundle,
Although I'm certain they're very smelly people.

I eat roti....not pita. I don't only shower once a week,
I believe in discounts, not full price.
And I pronounce it WHAT, not VHAT.
I can proudly fly my country's flag out of my car during a terrorist siege.

A turban IS an article of clothing.
Spicy foods ARE better than mild foods
Curry is a VERY tasty dish,
and it IS pronounced Gaun-dee,not Gun-dee ,GAUN-dee!!

Pakistan IS a third world country,
The first nation of Cricket
And the BEST part of the middle east!!
My name is Raheem!
AND I AM PAKISTANI!!!!

I AM CHINESE!

Wai...
I'm not a cook, or a computer tech, or the owner of a laundromat.
I don't live with my parents, I don't eat dog. I don't drive a souped-up Civic.
And I don't know Ping, Ching or Wing from Beddingt Heights
Although I'm certain they're very rice... I mean nice people.

I use chopsticks, not a fork. I rarely drive on the sidewalk.
I believe in giving cash, not gifts
And I pronounce it HELLO, not HARRO.
I can proudly wave my country's flag at a tank during a massacre,

Dim sum IS brunch, Gwai-Los ARE white folk
Jet Li can kick Van Damme's ass anyday.
And it IS pronounced Gon Hay Fa Choi, not Gon HEE Fa

China is the LARGEST country in Asia
The FIRST nation of PING-PONG,
And the BEST remaining COMMUNIST COUNTRY!!
My name is FUNG!!!
AND I AM CHINESE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Scayde · Post by **Scayde** » Thu Apr 03, 2003 9:11 pm

Aegis, These are terrific, and I for one, would love to see the American one.

And Texan too if you have it.

(Although I realize Texas is not recognized by everyone as a sovereign nation

)

Aegis · Post by **Aegis** » Thu Apr 03, 2003 9:13 pm

Originally posted by Scayde
Aegis, These are terrific, and I for one, would love to see the American one.

And Texan too if you have it.

(Although I realize Texas is not recognized by everyone as a sovereign nation )

Then I must warn you, even I thought it was a tad 'racey'. Well I made my discalimer, so...

I AM AMERICAN

Wassup...
I'm not particularly intelligent, open-minded, or well-liked.
And I don't live in a safe place, eat a balanced diet, or drive very well.
I don't know Shakespeare, Da Vinci or Gutenberg,
although I'm pretty sure they were American.

I drink beer, not water, I am outspoken, not opinionated,
Guns settle disputes, not discussions.
Winning isn't everything, it's the ONLY thing,
And it's pronounced RUFF, not ROOF.

I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack, unless I go somewhere.
Burger King IS fine dining. Washing after peeing is for LOSERS,
Twinkies and Moon Pies ARE GOOD for breakfast,
I have a SHED, NOT a GARAGE, and WWF ACTION IS REAL!

The UNITED STATES OF AMERICA is the ONLY country in the world,
The FIRST nation of IGNORANCE,
And the BEST part of SOUTH AMERICA!!
MY NAME IS JIM-BOB, I am married to my sister,
AND I AM AMERICAN!!!!!!!

Zelgadis · Post by **Zelgadis** » Thu Apr 03, 2003 9:17 pm

Heh, I'd seen the Canadian comercial before, its a riot to watch. The other ones are funny, too

Scayde · Post by **Scayde** » Thu Apr 03, 2003 9:19 pm

LOL........OUCH.....well, you can't say you didn't warn us

Aegis · Post by **Aegis** » Thu Apr 03, 2003 9:20 pm

Originally posted by Scayde
LOL........OUCH.....well, you can't say you didn't warn us

Very true, and this way, with the disclaimer made to save my ass, I am rendered blame free, unlike the war of 1812 incident...

Scayde · Post by **Scayde** » Thu Apr 03, 2003 9:22 pm

Originally posted by Aegis
Very true, and this way, with the disclaimer made to save my ass, I am rendered blame free, unlike the war of 1812 incident...

*Snicker*.I rememeber that .....

......I see you learned a thing or two

Aegis · Post by **Aegis** » Thu Apr 03, 2003 9:23 pm

Originally posted by Scayde
*Snicker*.I rememeber that ..... ......I see you learned a thing or two

Yeah. That people are vengeful, and free speech isn't as free as people think...

The Z · Post by **The Z** » Thu Apr 03, 2003 9:29 pm

Yep. If you ran down the street yelling "Heil Hitler" in Alabama...chances are...you wouldn't be running much longer....

Aegis · Post by **Aegis** » Thu Apr 03, 2003 9:30 pm

Originally posted by The Z
Yep. If you ran down the street yelling "Heil Hitler" in Alabama...chances are...you wouldn't be running much longer....

Exactly. People have become so uptight of 'political correctness', freedom of speech can no longer exist, because everything you say can potentially be used against you.

Nightmare · Post by **Nightmare** » Thu Apr 03, 2003 9:30 pm

I remember that beer commercial.

Also the one about "I AM FROM QUEBEC!" is hilarious.

Canadian beer commercials rock.

fable · Post by **fable** » Thu Apr 03, 2003 9:31 pm

Originally posted by Aegis
Very true, and this way, with the disclaimer made to save my ass, I am rendered blame free, unlike the war of 1812 incident...

We still owe you treacherous Canucks for that one. And we'll never forget, either.

Scayde · Post by **Scayde** » Thu Apr 03, 2003 9:31 pm

Originally posted by Aegis
Yeah. That people are vengeful, and free speech isn't as free as people think...

Oh come now, the people who flamed you were just exercising the same right to free speech as you did.

But you are right, when we speak, there is always a potential price, and that price varies widely according to who your audience is. One must always consider if they are willing to pay it before they speak .

The Z · Post by **The Z** » Thu Apr 03, 2003 9:34 pm

Originally posted by fable
We still owe you treacherous Canucks for that one. And we'll never forget, either.

Because someone will always rub it in

fable · Post by **fable** » Thu Apr 03, 2003 10:49 pm

Originally posted by The Z
Because someone will always rub it in

Not at all! We write it down on a notepad, every evening. One of these days we'll cross that border and punish you beaver-loving swillers of bad brews and boring nature films! Just you wait!

The Z · Post by **The Z** » Thu Apr 03, 2003 10:53 pm

Originally posted by fable
Not at all! We write it down on a notepad, every evening. One of these days we'll cross that border and punish you beaver-loving swillers of bad brews and boring nature films! Just you wait!

The last time I was in the States, I got really tanned.

fable · Post by **fable** » Thu Apr 03, 2003 11:29 pm

Originally posted by The Z
The last time I was in the States, I got really tanned.

That's because we actually have the sun here, you walrus-dating fiends!

dragon wench · Post by **dragon wench** » Thu Apr 03, 2003 11:39 pm

Originally posted by fable
One of these days we'll cross that border and punish you beaver-loving swillers of bad brews and boring nature films! Just you wait!

Hey we aren't the ones who spawned Coors Lite and Marlin Perkins !

Bloodstalker · Post by **Bloodstalker** » Fri Apr 04, 2003 1:50 am

Originally posted by Aegis
Then I must warn you, even I thought it was a tad 'racey'. Well I made my discalimer, so...

I AM AMERICAN

Wassup...
I'm not particularly intelligent, open-minded, or well-liked.
And I don't live in a safe place, eat a balanced diet, or drive very well.
I don't know Shakespeare, Da Vinci or Gutenberg,
although I'm pretty sure they were American.

I drink beer, not water, I am outspoken, not opinionated,
Guns settle disputes, not discussions.
Winning isn't everything, it's the ONLY thing,
And it's pronounced RUFF, not ROOF.

I can proudly sew my country's flag on my backpack, unless I go somewhere.
Burger King IS fine dining. Washing after peeing is for LOSERS,
Twinkies and Moon Pies ARE GOOD for breakfast,
I have a SHED, NOT a GARAGE, and WWF ACTION IS REAL!

The UNITED STATES OF AMERICA is the ONLY country in the world,
The FIRST nation of IGNORANCE,
And the BEST part of SOUTH AMERICA!!
MY NAME IS JIM-BOB, I am married to my sister,
AND I AM AMERICAN!!!!!!!

I am offended totally.... JIM-BOB indeed, everyone knows this was written by a southern person simply by that name. These are without a doubt aimed at the Southern region. It is offensive to even imagine those damn Yank's up north would be this cultured. Let them get their own list, we ain't sharin'

HighLordDave · Post by **HighLordDave** » Fri Apr 04, 2003 6:30 am

Originally posted by fable
One of these days we'll cross that border and punish you beaver-loving swillers of bad brews and boring nature films! Just you wait!

How do we repay them for unleashing Jim Carrey, the Crash Test Dummies and William Shatner upon us?