Tommy Cooper - King of The Oneliners?

[Yshania]

Any of you guys familiar with one of Englands most well loved commedians? (rather rotund, wore a red Fez, very morose delivery) I have actually met the guy a few times, he used to be a regular in the pub I lived in as a child. Admittedly, I found him as miserable as sin, but isn't that always the way with comics? just funny on the outside? Well anyway, he was very funny on stage (I thought so anyway ) and sadly, this was where he died, in the middle of a gig, he collapsed. The audience were in uproar, they thought it part of the set, for a while...

Here are some of his lines

Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."

"Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome." "Is it common?" "It's not unusual."

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" "No, because he's really heavy"

Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't YOU start."

Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."

A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"

Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

[Enchantress]

Great stuff. He wore a red fez hat and had a tired sad expression. I can just imagine him saying those lines...

[Aegis]

Originally posted by Yshania
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

Odd... I heard the same one-liner from a Canadian Comic from Halfax about 8 years ago...

[josh]

I saw Jerome Flynn doing his impersonation of Tommy Cooper on Parkinson the other day. Funny stuff

[Yshania]

Re: Re: Tommy Cooper - King of The Oneliners?

Originally posted by Aegis
Odd... I heard the same one-liner from a Canadian Comic from Halfax about 8 years ago...

That's not odd, Aegis, it is life. Some day all the jokes will have been said, all the stories told, all the songs sung, it is how you deliver that can make a difference. I did not set up this thread to discuss originality, only to share some of the one liners Tommy Cooper used - whether his or not. BTW, for the record, Tommy Cooper died 19 years ago. Oh, and he was a magician of great standing too!



More:

A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.'
The doctor says, 'It's old age.'
The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.'
The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'

I went into a French restaurant and asked the waiter, 'Have you got frog's legs?' He said, 'Yes,' so I said, 'Well hop into the kitchen and get me a cheese sandwich.'

Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!

So he said 'I'm going to chop off the bottom of one of your trouser legs and put it in a library.' I thought 'That's a turn-up for the books.'

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already!

I slept like a log last night. I woke up in the fireplace.

I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.

Cos it's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go 'Aaaaaagghhh!!' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

[Jaesha]

Cool stuff, Ysh...
I still prefer Jack Handey any day.

[dragon wench]

I'm on a whisky diet. I've lost three days already!

lol! Why am I suddenly reminded of one of my favourite SYMers...?

[Yshania]

Originally posted by Jaesha
Cool stuff, Ysh...
I still prefer Jack Handey any day.

Feel free to share some then

@Dw, nah, you got me there...

More:

I said to the waiter, I said 'This chicken I've got is cold'. He said 'I should think so. It's been dead for two weeks'
'Not only that', I said, 'It's got one leg shorter than the other'. He said 'What do you want to do, eat it or dance with it?'

Sometimes I drink my whiskey neat. Other times I take my tie off and leave my shirt out.

My wife and I were fighting like hammer and tongs. She won, she had the hammer.

I hurt my back the day. I was playing piggy back with my 6 year old nephew, and I fell off.

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me 'Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah."
I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died."

So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'

I was in Margate last year for the summer season.
A friend of mine said, "You want to go to Margate, it's good for rheumatism." So I did, and I got it.

So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'

I backed this horse at twenty to one - it came in at half past four. It was so late, it had to tiptoe back to the stables.

So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I Said 'I careered off the road.'

So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.'

Anyway, I said to the waiter, 'Forget the chicken, bring me a lobster. So he brought a lobster. I said 'Just a minute, it's only got one claw.' He said 'It's been in a fight'. I said 'Bring me the winner'.

Did you hear about the short-sighted bank robber? He went into the bank, he said 'Stick 'em up. Are they up?'

I was walking up the road the other night, a man came out of a doorway. He said 'Have you seen a policeman round here?' I said 'No'. He said 'Stick 'em up'.

I went to the doctor the other Day, I said to him "I've broken my arm in several places. He said to me "you shouldn't go to those places"

I've been offered a part in a film. It's a very sympathetic part. Very sympathetic. I'll give you a rough idea of what it is. The scene opens. It's a thatched cottage, all made of thatch. There's violins going. There's a dear old lady sitting in an armchair, there. And a dear old man sitting in an armchair, there. There's a baby in a cot, and a dog on the mat. And I have this very sympathetic part. I creep in through the door, and hit the old man on the top of the head. He doesn't say much, he just goes 'ooh'. It wasn't loud, it was just 'ooh'. Then I stab the old lady in the back. She doesn't like it. Then I strangle the baby. Now, this is where the sympathetic part comes in. On the way out, I pat the dog.

[Yshania]

"A blind bloke walks into a shop with a guide dog. He picks the Dog up and starts swinging it around his head. Alarmed, a shop assistant calls out: 'Can I help, sir?' 'No thanks,' says the blind bloke. 'Just looking.'"

Two cannibals eating a clown.
One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?"

Two aerials fall in love get married.
The ceremony was a disaster but the reception was brilliant.

The other day I phoned my local pizza delivery firm and asked for a thin and crusty supreme
They sent me Diana Ross.

I want to die in my sleep like my granddad not screeming in terror like his passengers

Did u know the Chinese discovered smoking? Apparently some Chinese people were working in a tobacco field when a small fire was accidentally started. They could smell the tobacco burning and one of them said, "Mmmmm that smells nice - I think I'll go buy a packet of ***s!"

After Noah built the Ark and survived the Great Flood, God appeared to him and asked him to build another Ark seven decks high. "Another Ark, my Lord? Am I to fill it with 2 of every creature again?". God replied "No, you will fill it with fish". "Ah", said Noah "a Multi-Storey Carp Ark"

Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere to the point that his feet became quite thick and hard.
Even when he wasn't on a hunger strike he did not eat much and became quite thin and frail.
He also was quite a spiritual person.
Furthermore due to his diet he ended up with very bad breath.
He became known as a super-calloused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis.

What should you do if you meet a hard of hearing jaundiced yet laid-back male cellist?
Bellow "Hello, yellow, mellow cello fellow".

A girl walked into a ****tail bar and asked for a double entendre so the Barman gave her one.

How many flies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, but I don't know how they got in there...

Have you heard about the new Viagra eyedrops? Apparently they make you look hard.

Two fish in a tank one turns to the other and says "how do you drive this thing"?

How do you know when a man is well hung?
You can't get your fingers between his neck and the rope.

What does a donkey have for lunch?
Half an hour.

[Scayde]

*snicker*...These are rather funny, I have enjoyed reading them

[Nippy]

Originally posted by Scayde
*snicker*...These are rather funny, I have enjoyed reading them

He is a legendary comic, if you've never seen him live, you've not seen one of the funniest men ever. He really was a class act.

[Scayde]

Originally posted by Nippy
He is a legendary comic, if you've never seen him live, you've not seen one of the funniest men ever. He really was a class act.

I am sorry to say this is my first and only exposure to his talent. I can see why he is so loved by his fans though

[ObsidianReturns]

Funny stuff, funny stuff.

The best one I remember is

"The other day I ate a ploughmans Lunch
He wasn't very happy about it"

[Rob-hin]

Originally posted by Yshania
[BHave you heard about the new Viagra eyedrops? Apparently they make you look hard.
[/b]

Did they have Viagra in thise days?

...anyways, I heard Cooper died while doing a show. Nobody helped him since they all thought it was part of the show.

He was very funny, somehow I will never forget him and Benny Hill.
Those guys were great.