Do you do it like a Man, or do it like a Woman ?

Scayde · Post by **Scayde** » Tue Jul 15, 2003 7:43 pm

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the
last oil change
2) Drink a cup of coffee
3) 30 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained
vehicle Money spent:

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00

***********************************************
Oil Change instructions for Men :

1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,
filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for
$50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20.00, drive
home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on face and arms in
process. Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms. Throw
kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter
and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash
can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Decide to finish oil
change tomorrow so you can go see his new
garage door opener work.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change". Drag pan
full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back
yard instead of taking it to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7 - 11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along
with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug. Re-shovel oily patch
of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawn mower
gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw
kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily
rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench
tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss August (2002)
in the left boob.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood
flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during
steps 23-43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total -- $4615.00

But at least you know the job was done right!

Chanak · Post by **Chanak** » Tue Jul 15, 2003 8:11 pm

Now you see why I don't do oil changes myself anymore.

Scayde · Post by **Scayde** » Tue Jul 15, 2003 8:15 pm

Originally posted by Chanak
Now you see why I don't do oil changes myself anymore.

LMAO.......I have been wondering about that

Chanak · Post by **Chanak** » Tue Jul 15, 2003 8:21 pm

Originally posted by Scayde
LMAO.......I have been wondering about that

The last time I did it, I swore I'd never do it again...along with the other kind of swearing I was doing at the time.

I shocked my own self; I learned some rather colorful epithets during my time in the Army.

I still do lube jobs, though.

Scayde · Post by **Scayde** » Tue Jul 15, 2003 8:28 pm

Originally posted by Chanak
I still do lube jobs, though.

LOL......Hmmm....And do you use a special tool for this

Chanak · Post by **Chanak** » Tue Jul 15, 2003 8:32 pm

Originally posted by Scayde
LOL......Hmmm....And do you use a special tool for this

Well, there's only one tool you can use - a grease gun with a special fitting. Isn't it about time to do yours?

HighLordDave · Post by **HighLordDave** » Tue Jul 15, 2003 8:36 pm

Get a room!

Chanak · Post by **Chanak** » Tue Jul 15, 2003 8:39 pm

Originally posted by HighLordDave
Get a room!

Sheesh...we're talking about lubing an automobile here.

Take a cold shower.

Scayde · Post by **Scayde** » Tue Jul 15, 2003 8:43 pm

Originally posted by HighLordDave
Get a room!

LOL.....But a garage works so much better

You should really give those hydrolic jacks a try sometime

You really need the elevation to penetrate to the hardest to reach spots

Bloodstalker · Post by **Bloodstalker** » Tue Jul 15, 2003 9:07 pm

Damn, that reminds me, I gotta change the oil on my car

Scayde · Post by **Scayde** » Tue Jul 15, 2003 9:33 pm

Originally posted by Bloodstalker
Damn, that reminds me, I gotta change the oil on my car

LOL....Let me guess the displacement ratio here...

one case of oil to five cases of beer

Aegis · Post by **Aegis** » Tue Jul 15, 2003 9:34 pm

Originally posted by Bloodstalker
Damn, that reminds me, I gotta change the oil on my car

I'll bring the beer.

Bloodstalker · Post by **Bloodstalker** » Tue Jul 15, 2003 9:36 pm

Oil? Damn, I gotta buy some of that too?

Scayde · Post by **Scayde** » Tue Jul 15, 2003 9:37 pm

Originally posted by Bloodstalker
Oil? Damn, I gotta buy some of that too?

LOL.....must be why so many cars are sitting in the yards in Kentucky......they are all waiting on the oil change

Bloodstalker · Post by **Bloodstalker** » Tue Jul 15, 2003 9:39 pm

They can make a car that has power windows, talks to you, annoys the hell out of you to buckle up, and screams bloody murder when you walk within ten feet of it, ....they can make one to change it's own oil.

Scayde · Post by **Scayde** » Tue Jul 15, 2003 9:41 pm

Originally posted by Bloodstalker
They can make a car that has power windows, talks to you, annoys the hell out of you to buckle up, and screams bloody murder when you walk within ten feet of it, ....they can make one to change it's own oil.

LOL....of couse ont, if they did that, they might last more than 60,000 miles...........

Think of the lost revenue

Bloodstalker · Post by **Bloodstalker** » Tue Jul 15, 2003 9:44 pm

What lost revenue? I just want'em to make one.

Scayde · Post by **Scayde** » Tue Jul 15, 2003 10:11 pm

Originally posted by Bloodstalker
What lost revenue? I just want'em to make one.

LOL....Why, you still waiting for a dividends check

Chanak · Post by **Chanak** » Tue Jul 15, 2003 10:45 pm

I'm still waiting for a car that delivers a shaitsu massage while you're driving.

Scayde · Post by **Scayde** » Wed Jul 16, 2003 5:43 pm

Originally posted by Chanak
I'm still waiting for a car that delivers a shaitsu massage while you're driving.

LOL..you already have one..........it's a white jeep with me in the back seat