Seeking advice in SYM???

[Alienbob]

What the hell am I thinking???

Hello all! I haven't stopped by for sometime. Sorry, my life (or lack thereof) has been crazy lately. Anyway though, the reason for this post:

A few months ago, I ran across the most wonderful girl that I have ever met. We hit it off from the begining, and I ended up getting myself into a very serious relationship, that I know now I was not ready for. I don't think that she was ready for it either, but we seemed to be so perfect for each other. Which is actually kind of strange because our beliefs are nearly opposite from each others. However, we are both at least somewhat intelligent, so we managed to work it out. We argued about things alot, but we hardly ever got angry, we were able to talk and listen to each other very well. We had an understanding, a very deep understanding of how each other felt and often times we didn't even need to finish sentences because we knew exactly what the other person was thinking. Anyway, though we had a very wonderful summer together, some of the best months of my life.

Then about a week ago, she went away for college. Not too far away, only about a three hour drive, but neither of us has a car, so that would make visiting very difficult. We both believe that long distance relationships don't work out, and so we decided to break up. Now we had only been dating for several months, but I trully deeply fell in love with her, and she is my first love. That along with the fact that I think we were a great match makes this even harder. This is her first year in college, and her first year of being out on her own. After being somewhat sheltered for most of her life, I know that she needs this. She needs to get out and stretch her wings abit, and make lots of mistakes, and eventually learn from them and grow. I am trying to keep this short so I appologize if it doesn't seem to make sense. Anyway though, we were in love, and now we have been torn apart. Everyone says that I need to 'get over it' and 'move on'. But I don't know how, I don't even think that I want to. I keep thinking that she will come back in nine months and things can go back to normal again. Except that I know they won't. Things will never be the same. She will change, I will probably change, I keep hoping that we will both change for the better, but I'm not entirely sure that is how it will turn out. She is very naive, and I am afraid of what kinds of things she will get into now that she doesn't have her parents holding her responisble....

I guess that my real question is, how do I stop loving someone that I love so deeply?

Thank you for your time, and I am sorry to push my depressing thoughts on everyone.

[Xandax]

[QUOTE=Alienbob]<snip>
I guess that my real question is, how do I stop loving someone that I love so deeply?
<snip>
[/QUOTE]

Well - speaking from personal experience, I guess ... you never quite will stop.

Depending one your person and psyche everybody handles such things on their own individual basis, so it is hard to give/take advice on such matters (in my opinion and experience).

Personally - I'd wait some time and see how things turn out; see how you (both) feel after a while.

[Morril]

I agree with Xandax. It is very difficult to give you a good advice.
The only advice I can give, is wait an see what happens.
But you say she is going to study 3 hours away and you don't have a car. What about weekends? Can't you visit each other weekends - bus, your parents car...?
And what does your girlfriend thinks and say to it all ?

[Vicsun]

Wait it out. You can do very little apart from being patient - time heals all wounds and dims all feelings; for better or for worse.

[Lost One]

Get a car dude! If she means that much to you, then you gotta protect what you got. If it means getting a job and working so you can rent used cars for visiting her during the weekend, a three hours drive is not long distance. If anything, it is medium distance. Honestly, if you two care so much about each other, that's something special right there, and you gotta keep it. When you can't see her, there's the phone, the internet. It may be agonizing to be far away, but is it better to not have her then have her?

I mean, I know some people who married after a single relationship. This idea that once you enter college, you gotta experience new things in the sense of going out with new and different people is entirely subjective. As I said, I know couples who stuck it out before and after college and married. They grew together, so to speak.

Anyway, it ultimately comes down to what you want. If you believe you can move on and find someone as meaningful as that girl was to you, then by all means, ignore what I wrote before. If not, then you gotta protect your investment. Don't do the thinking for her. If she is the one to decide that she will benefit from new relationships in college, then you gotta respect that. But if you're deciding for her, then you're just giving what you two had away.

Disclaimer: Just Lost One's humble opinions.

[fable]

Alienbob, we're all identical, and each of us is unique. We all (well, nearly all) fall in love at least once in our lifetimes, and while we can relate to the way somebody else does this, when it happens to you, how it happens, can never be duplicated, again. So nobody here can really tell you that you'll get over it, or to pursue it, with any real sense that it's the right decision for you.

The good news is that any decision you can make is right--or wrong, depending on how you work it out. You can split up or follow through, provided you're both mature enough to deal with the consequences of your actions. In your case, for example, you can let go and seek out other activities that keep you busy, until you find somebody else; and don't fool yourself, somebody else will come along. Or, you can pursue this relationship, seeking to make it work out longterm (and always assuming she's interested), if you'll both commit to the responsibility of growing separately yet seeking to grow together.

(This isn't a one-moment commitment, either. You have to abide by this every day, when the relationship is unconsciously challenged--so no dating that cute-looking chick or guy who's given you the once-over. That's the part many people entering marriage don't get, either.)

It's not a matter of you're both changing for the better, or for the worse. You'll simply grow. Growing separately can be very difficult, and if you pursue that path, it's likely to prove the harder to maintain in the longrun. If you'd lived together for a decade or more and found yourself separated for years, I'd say it wouldn't matter that much, because what you've built would probably last. But you're still both at a point where career, friendships, goals, etc, are in flux. Away from families for the first extended time, you'll develop entirely unique behaviors and expectations. If you don't do that together, there's a good chance you'll both change personally in the next decade in a way that makes you very unlike the people you are, now.

You're not in an easy situation, but you seem like an intelligent guy. I suspect whatever course you take, you'll find problems but also ways to deal with 'em. Constructive, intelligent ways that don't close you off. Good luck, regardless.

[Brynn]

[QUOTE=Lost One]Get a car dude! If she means that much to you, then you gotta protect what you got. If it means getting a job and working so you can rent used cars for visiting her during the weekend, a three hours drive is not long distance. If anything, it is medium distance. Honestly, if you two care so much about each other, that's something special right there, and you gotta keep it.
Disclaimer: Just Lost One's humble opinions.[/QUOTE]

LostOne is right. Why should you give up on her just b/c she goes to college? I understand that it's a different situation, but what's the problem with it? As you say you love each other, so the only problem, the distance, is practical, right? it means that CAN BE SOLVED somehow!!! It means a lot (if not everything) to you, you mustn't give it up, I say.

A bit slushy but true quote from Moulin Rouge, but I thought it would fit in here:

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return"

[VonDondu]

[QUOTE=Alienbob]A few months ago, I ran across the most wonderful girl that I have ever met. We hit it off from the begining, and I ended up getting myself into a very serious relationship... we had a very wonderful summer together, some of the best months of my life.

Then about a week ago, she went away for college... We both believe that long distance relationships don't work out, and so we decided to break up... we were in love, and now we have been torn apart. Everyone says that I need to 'get over it' and 'move on'. But I don't know how, I don't even think that I want to. I keep thinking that she will come back in nine months and things can go back to normal again. Except that I know they won't. Things will never be the same. She will change, I will probably change, I keep hoping that we will both change for the better, but I'm not entirely sure that is how it will turn out. She is very naive, and I am afraid of what kinds of things she will get into now that she doesn't have her parents holding her responsible....

I guess that my real question is, how do I stop loving someone that I love so deeply?

Thank you for your time, and I am sorry to push my depressing thoughts on everyone.[/QUOTE]
Don't worry, you're not pushing anything on us.

I hate to say it, but I think it's time to move on. If both of you decided that it was best to break up, then your ex-girlfriend is undoubtedly going to meet other people and get on with her life. I'd rather not try to explain all of the reasons why people do things like that, but that's what people do.

I'm sorry to say that there is no easy answer to your problem. If it's any consolation, you made a CHOICE when you decided to break up. That's a lot better than being dumped, which is what happened to me. I was with my first boyfriend for about three years. I wanted to marry him, but when I went away to college (about five hours away, and we both had cars), he decided that he couldn't maintain a relationship with me, so he dumped me near the end of my freshman year. I had the same problem you have: how was I supposed to stop thinking about him? It wasn't easy to let go of him, but I eventually reached a point where I knew that I was better off without him. I don't mean that I was better off with someone else; I mean that I was better off without him. That's a big step, but you'll make it. Look at what you're saying about your ex-girlfriend. Don't you think it's best to break up with her and get it over with?

You're right about one thing: people change when they grow up, especially when they move away from home and get out on their own. You and your ex-girlfriend will lose a lot of the things you used to have in common, and you'll both meet other people who interest you. That's life. Does that mean you have to stop loving each other? Well, I'll duck that question and simply say I think it means you need to stop thinking about each other so much and get on with your lives. It will happen eventually; it just takes time. The busier your life is, the faster you'll "forget" her.

I don't know if you will ever stop loving her. But depending on how you define "loving someone", I don't think that's really the problem. There's nothing wrong with loving her for the rest of your life. But you need to avoid obsessing about her, and you can't put her first in your life anymore. You should try to take things gradually. I can't say that I've ever done things the easy way, but there are little things you can do that might be surprisingly useful. Put a little note on your telephone that says "STOP" if you find yourself reaching for the phone. Don't abuse alcohol or sleeping pills. Get a kitten or a puppy so you can take care of something, or sign up for some volunteer work. Talk to as many girls as you can, and ask one out if she's really interesting, not to get serious, but just for fun.

I lost a lot of self-esteem from being rejected, but I eventually restored my self-confidence by refusing to hide under my bed or mope in my room all day. Look on the bright side: there's so much you can learn from being in pain. I gained an appreciation for all sorts of things when I realized that my pain connected me to all of human experience.

I wouldn't want to force any particular songs on you (music appreciation is very subjective), but one of my friends played some Fleetwood Mac tunes for me that have stuck with me to this day: "Dreams" and "Landslide". Due to the pecularities of my situation, I could relate to a lot of things that wouldn't apply to you, but I'm sure there are a lot of songs, books, and movies that you could relate to.

I saw the movie Swingers a few weeks ago, and I think the climax is something you might be able to relate to. The main character is in a lot of pain because he moved across the country and left his girlfriend of six years behind. He can't stop thinking about her because she's more special to him than anyone else in the world and she doesn't want him back. But then one day, she calls him out of the blue and tells him that she wants him back. At that magic moment, he stops feeling so horrible. But the ironic thing is, the moment she tells him that, he decides he doesn't want her anymore. It wouldn't have worked out anyway, and both of them need to move on. It's a strange sort of climax, but I could understand it, and it worked for me.

I think you'll feel better if you tell yourself that your ex-girlfriend really loves you. She wouldn't have been with you if she didn't. There might come a time in your life when you can appreciate that without moaning over the fact that you can't be with her. It takes time, but that's the kind of thing you can hold onto and never regret.