To the citizens of the US

giles337 · Post by **giles337** » Sat Dec 18, 2004 3:04 pm

Breaking News:

To the Citizens of the United States of America

In the light of your failure to elect a proper President of the United States and thus govern yourselves satisfactorily govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealhs and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.

Your new prime minister, the Rt. Hon. Tony Blair - MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware of the world outside your borders - will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine how many of you actually noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up 'vocabulary'. Using the same 27 words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up 'interspersed'

2. There is no such thing as 'US English'. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

3. You should learn to distinguish between the English accent and those from New Zealand and Australia. It really isn't that hard.

4. Hollywood will be required to occasionally cast English actors as the good guys.

5. You should relearn your original national anthem, 'God Save the Queen', but only after fully carrying out task one. We would not want you to get confused and give up halfway through.

6. You should stop playing American football. There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as 'American' football is not a very good game.

The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no-one else plays 'American' football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and instead should play proper football.

Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to 'American' football, but does not involve stopping for a nap every twenty seconds or wearing full Kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US rugby sevens side by 2005.

7. You should declare war on Quebec and France, using nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85% of you not aware of the world outside your borders should count yourselves lucky. The Russians have never been the bad guys. Note: 'Merde' is French for 'sh*t'.

8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 8th will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called 'Indecisive day'.

9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean.

10. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

Thanks for your cooperation.

Vicsun · Post by **Vicsun** » Sat Dec 18, 2004 3:44 pm

Weasel · Post by **Weasel** » Sat Dec 18, 2004 7:03 pm

Woot!! I can get Knighted and be called Sir Weasel without all the gore of making my own country!!

ik911 · Post by **ik911** » Sat Dec 18, 2004 7:04 pm

hèhèhè

Devided we fall, United we stand. Except if they stand under Bush's administration.

pepsi · Post by **pepsi** » Sat Dec 18, 2004 7:45 pm

Funny, but all liberals should die.

Xandax · Post by **Xandax** » Sun Dec 19, 2004 2:59 am

@Pepsi: Saying people should die is deffinately not allowed for any reason on this forum - especially over something as trivial as a political scale. Not even in said in jest (if that truely was the case) wich nothing in your post seems to indicate.

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Vicsun · Post by **Vicsun** » Sun Dec 19, 2004 3:02 am

[QUOTE=pepsi]Funny, but all liberals should die.[/QUOTE]
But what about Social Democrats, Libertarians, Social Liberals, members of the Green or Agricultural parties, and members of Christian parties?

Which of those are liberals?

edit: Also, we don't like trolling here. Just FYI and future consideration.

Morlock · Post by **Morlock** » Sun Dec 19, 2004 4:21 am

What a stupid, stupid thing. Funny, though.

Macleod1701 · Post by **Macleod1701** » Mon Dec 20, 2004 6:25 am

'ahem' Woo Yay Giles, now the world knows the truth and what all us Brits are thinking! (Although we should get rid of the Monarchy too and put Weebl and skoo in charge!) Or maybe Jennifer Ellison, Kerry Katona, Michelle ryan and a few more lasses like them should be in charge......mmmmm a parliament filled with babes in bikinis....I'd vote for them!

Kayless · Post by **Kayless** » Mon Dec 20, 2004 8:23 am

One question. Does Rule #2 mean that we'll be required to add a superfluous U to words like honor, color, and valor (or as brits know them; honour, colour, valour)? That could be a deal breaker...

GFreeman · Post by **GFreeman** » Mon Dec 20, 2004 8:33 am

wait wait......this better not mean that the game release dates are changed from US dates to british dates....that would su-uck.

Macleod1701 · Post by **Macleod1701** » Mon Dec 20, 2004 8:34 am

Well you're supposed to be speaking and writing ENGLISH so unless you want to chance your language to AMERICAN then you should really spell it correctly and stop making up phrases such as 'like ya know whatever' when you can't think of anything intelligent to say. Take Prince Philip for example...old...senile...inbred...but when he can't think of something good to say he insults someone! See a solution to all your american problems, stop being PC and insult people in the manner of a high society toff

Maharlika · Post by **Maharlika** » Mon Dec 20, 2004 8:37 am

You've got to be joking, Macleod...

...otherwise, such statements are tantamount to trolling...

Kayless · Post by **Kayless** » Mon Dec 20, 2004 8:43 am

So I can't use American phrases like "Ain't no thing but a chicken wing" or "Fo shizzle my nizzle" and the like? Screw that!

Besides, speaking British makes your teeth all gnarly (at least that's my theory, since I've yet to see a British person with teeth that didn't look like something out of a horror movie).

Macleod1701 · Post by **Macleod1701** » Mon Dec 20, 2004 8:52 am

Hmmmm in hindsight you can use those words as they are just so daft that they are funny. My teeth are fine thanks, stop watching Austin Powers, it was a urine take on american perceptions of Brits (it wasn't real)

Macleod1701 · Post by **Macleod1701** » Mon Dec 20, 2004 8:54 am

[QUOTE=Maharlika]...otherwise, such statements are tantamount to trolling...

[/QUOTE]

Of course I was joking, was it really that inobvious?!?! Seriously mate did you not understand the sarcasm? Most americans that I've met I've liked, (except the older ones who don't shut up....and your chocolate is naff)

Kayless · Post by **Kayless** » Mon Dec 20, 2004 8:56 am

You're teeth are fine? Suuuure.

Fine for Gollum or a hobo maybe.

I remember an episode of the Simpsons where a dentist would bring out "The Big Book of British Smiles" whenever he wanted to scare children into flossing.

Macleod1701 · Post by **Macleod1701** » Mon Dec 20, 2004 8:59 am

No seriously mate, the Simpsons isn't real either....I know, I know you thought all TV was real and were so sad for poor Gilegan or however the smeg you spell his name being stuck on that island but if that's true then all americans are hugely overweight inbred rednecks that eat stuff that they run over or shoot

Kayless · Post by **Kayless** » Mon Dec 20, 2004 9:09 am

At least rednecks know how to hunt, unlike you British, who go around riding horses and shouting "talliho!" while a pack hounds track down a fox for you.

Drinking all that tea has made you soft, limp wristed girly men.

Macleod1701 · Post by **Macleod1701** » Mon Dec 20, 2004 9:17 am

I don't drink tea, it's either coffee, beer or whiskey. And it's only posh people that hunt, people that actually work for a living can't cope with having that big a silver spoon jammed up thier arse or talking with a mouth full of cotton wool. I'm sure I can hunt where's that Barret 50?!?!