D&D Humor
D&D Humor
Not only top 10s, 100s and things, just funny situations and everything that comes to mind.
If something can go wrong, it will go wrong
Always prepare for the worst
Never let experience guide you: every day is different
Antagonist
Always prepare for the worst
Never let experience guide you: every day is different
Antagonist
I stole this from a computergame and used it as a cursed magical item: boots of blinding speed (morrowind): increases speed by 30 ft and haste on user, user is blind
If something can go wrong, it will go wrong
Always prepare for the worst
Never let experience guide you: every day is different
Antagonist
Always prepare for the worst
Never let experience guide you: every day is different
Antagonist
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Demortis
- Posts: 3421
- Joined: Wed Jul 21, 2004 1:33 pm
- Location: The other side of the red dot.
- Contact:
there was four of us, a fighter, a barb, a rogue, and a druid. we were travling down a corrador in the dark, the druid gets teh "bright" idea to shot a light arrow down the hall, and into a group of kobalds. then she sends a flaming sphere down the hall, and the rogue wanted the fighter to toss him into the fighting.... so he takes almost half his life in fire damage.... yea, they nearly didnt make it
Zombies are not real! The Government is still doin Human trails!
Have you ever wondered why, in a dream you can touch a falling sky? Or fly to the heavens that watch over you. - Godsmack
Have you ever wondered why, in a dream you can touch a falling sky? Or fly to the heavens that watch over you. - Godsmack
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Siberys
- Posts: 6207
- Joined: Sat Apr 30, 2005 7:16 pm
- Location: I live in that one place with the thing
- Contact:
Hehehe, I got a good one.
Situation-
we are in a mine shaft filled with kobolds. The kobolds have built a barrier with some rubbel and other things.
The orc with the intelligence of 7 gets the idea to ram the barrier with a cart. So he starts to fill it with rocks and then we get into a fight with some other kobolds. The orc criticaled one of them and split him in 4 different places. So the orc finishes the cart. The orc sees the kobolds peeking over the barracade and picks up the dismembered arm of the kobold and waves the arm at them, sets it in the cart, and kicks the cart down there.
Good times.
Situation-
we are in a mine shaft filled with kobolds. The kobolds have built a barrier with some rubbel and other things.
The orc with the intelligence of 7 gets the idea to ram the barrier with a cart. So he starts to fill it with rocks and then we get into a fight with some other kobolds. The orc criticaled one of them and split him in 4 different places. So the orc finishes the cart. The orc sees the kobolds peeking over the barracade and picks up the dismembered arm of the kobold and waves the arm at them, sets it in the cart, and kicks the cart down there.
Good times.
Listen up maggots, Mr. Popo's 'bout to teach you the pecking order.
It goes you, the dirt, the worms inside of the dirt, Popo's stool, Kami, then Popo.
~Mr. Popo, Dragonball Z Abridged
It goes you, the dirt, the worms inside of the dirt, Popo's stool, Kami, then Popo.
~Mr. Popo, Dragonball Z Abridged
The last game session I was in.
I'm playing a level 15 Dwarf Ranger currently, moddled after a Trollslayer (no armour, dwarven Waraxe, warhammer, two handed combat etc.). Anyway, the party enters into a Dwarven realm, finally, at which point, being a dwarf, I go off, find a pub, and drink... Copious amounts. Fun times.
As this is happening, there is also an assassination attempt bein planned against the Thane of the city, and me being the only dwarf in the party, and a threat to the attempt, well, I get my drink spiked with a powerful hallucinagin.
Later, while in my room, the assassination attempt takes place. As a distraction, an assassin runs through the halls shouting "Death to the King". I hear something different, something along the lines of "Death to the shiney pink pixie!". Well, I can't have an innocent die, now can I! I charge out of my room just in time to see a giant mushroom being chased by six doorknowbs (the assassin distraction and guards). Well, being the noble and fine Dwarf I am, I pursue the mushroom. During the chase, the Ming Vase it has on it's back (real item undetermined) gives me the finger, and then both it, and the mushroom, jump through some stained glass. I pursue further. Only to discover it was a window, and quite a ways up from the ground.
Thanks to how DnD handles falling damage, I lived with taking 20d6 damage (which totaled 76), and finally came to my senses. 'Suffice to say, it was a fun session.
EDIT
Forgot to add something. When giving chase, it simply makes sense to draw one's weapon. So, just to make an addition, during this whole thing, I had my Dwarven Warfish firmly in hand (and for those of you familar with my Indian name, I kid you not. The DM knew nothing of that!)
I'm playing a level 15 Dwarf Ranger currently, moddled after a Trollslayer (no armour, dwarven Waraxe, warhammer, two handed combat etc.). Anyway, the party enters into a Dwarven realm, finally, at which point, being a dwarf, I go off, find a pub, and drink... Copious amounts. Fun times.
As this is happening, there is also an assassination attempt bein planned against the Thane of the city, and me being the only dwarf in the party, and a threat to the attempt, well, I get my drink spiked with a powerful hallucinagin.
Later, while in my room, the assassination attempt takes place. As a distraction, an assassin runs through the halls shouting "Death to the King". I hear something different, something along the lines of "Death to the shiney pink pixie!". Well, I can't have an innocent die, now can I! I charge out of my room just in time to see a giant mushroom being chased by six doorknowbs (the assassin distraction and guards). Well, being the noble and fine Dwarf I am, I pursue the mushroom. During the chase, the Ming Vase it has on it's back (real item undetermined) gives me the finger, and then both it, and the mushroom, jump through some stained glass. I pursue further. Only to discover it was a window, and quite a ways up from the ground.
Thanks to how DnD handles falling damage, I lived with taking 20d6 damage (which totaled 76), and finally came to my senses. 'Suffice to say, it was a fun session.
EDIT
Forgot to add something. When giving chase, it simply makes sense to draw one's weapon. So, just to make an addition, during this whole thing, I had my Dwarven Warfish firmly in hand (and for those of you familar with my Indian name, I kid you not. The DM knew nothing of that!)
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Siberys
- Posts: 6207
- Joined: Sat Apr 30, 2005 7:16 pm
- Location: I live in that one place with the thing
- Contact:
PWN3D dude. Your dwarf was totally pwn3d. Nice,
"Death to the pink pixies," good stuff man.
A couple more-
situation-
A pyrokineticist (fire psion) is going for a test at the church of kossuth (a god of fire) and is told to walk through a human sized oven. Not run, walk through to the other side.
He walked through it and only took a little damage (DM rolled a few 1's and 2's) and decided to go through again for fun. He goes in and jumps up and down for joy in the oven.
Situation2-
We are about to fight a boss, standard typical smite your butt boss, and we are right at the door. I kid you not this is the dialogue.
"Well done heroes, but now it is time for you to meet your end," boss says.
"Just a sec," the orc with the intelligence of 7 says.
"Death to the pink pixies," good stuff man.
A couple more-
situation-
A pyrokineticist (fire psion) is going for a test at the church of kossuth (a god of fire) and is told to walk through a human sized oven. Not run, walk through to the other side.
He walked through it and only took a little damage (DM rolled a few 1's and 2's) and decided to go through again for fun. He goes in and jumps up and down for joy in the oven.
Situation2-
We are about to fight a boss, standard typical smite your butt boss, and we are right at the door. I kid you not this is the dialogue.
"Well done heroes, but now it is time for you to meet your end," boss says.
"Just a sec," the orc with the intelligence of 7 says.
Listen up maggots, Mr. Popo's 'bout to teach you the pecking order.
It goes you, the dirt, the worms inside of the dirt, Popo's stool, Kami, then Popo.
~Mr. Popo, Dragonball Z Abridged
It goes you, the dirt, the worms inside of the dirt, Popo's stool, Kami, then Popo.
~Mr. Popo, Dragonball Z Abridged
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Rob-hin
- Posts: 4832
- Joined: Tue Aug 21, 2001 11:00 am
- Location: In the Batcave with catwoman. *prrrr*
- Contact:
Silly question: did he live?
In a quest a ran a year back, one of my players played a monk in search of a legendary sword.
So, I let him find it after a while and it turns out to be a living sword; it could talk to him telephatically.
Later that campain, as they were captured by the villian: a wizard/Acolyte of the Skin (a wizard wearing a demon skin).
As a form of his own amusement, the AotS does the ritual to this very same monk. He gets a 'living' demon skin wrapped around him. Problem is, the skin can talk to him, telepatically.
By the end of the campain, the monk wanted to kill himself as the sword and the demonskin were in constant dissagreement and tried to make the monk do their bidding. It drove him nuts.
I had a good laugh though.
In a quest a ran a year back, one of my players played a monk in search of a legendary sword.
So, I let him find it after a while and it turns out to be a living sword; it could talk to him telephatically.
Later that campain, as they were captured by the villian: a wizard/Acolyte of the Skin (a wizard wearing a demon skin).
As a form of his own amusement, the AotS does the ritual to this very same monk. He gets a 'living' demon skin wrapped around him. Problem is, the skin can talk to him, telepatically.
By the end of the campain, the monk wanted to kill himself as the sword and the demonskin were in constant dissagreement and tried to make the monk do their bidding. It drove him nuts.
I had a good laugh though.
Guinness is good for you.
Gives you strength.
Gives you strength.
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Demortis
- Posts: 3421
- Joined: Wed Jul 21, 2004 1:33 pm
- Location: The other side of the red dot.
- Contact:
nice, an insane monk.
in a campian i was playin in, i was the sorcerer in the group, we had two battleraggers (dwarves that have blades on their armor and contiune to run into things till they die) and two rouges and a centaur cleric....(hes a long story.) a bard, and a dwarvin cleric, were in a cavern like area, and find a path way, it leads into a throne room like area, with a bronze throne in it, and a silver alter in there. one battle rager gets the bright idea to sit on the chair. he gets thrown off and hits a wall on the other side, the other battlerager, with his 7 int, ( this guy played him well, almost to well) gets the bright idea to take the body of our previous bard and put him on the chair, after finding out its NE. the 7int battlerager and the centaur get into an argument about the dwarf putting a dead body on a NE chair, for fear of it raiseing a zombie... after a fight the bard we have with us who is CE sings and suggests that the centaur sits out in the hallway. the Dwarf places the body on the throne and it gets toasted.
Meanwhile, me(the sorc) the two rouges, and dwarven cleric check out the alter, comes to find out, that the area around the alter is a trap, and the drawf sits on the alter, triggering that trap. the mini-world we were in starts to shrink. the dwarf gets the bright idea to make a running leap into the void to see if he can make it out. one would think he fell, but the gravity was centered around the alter, so he spun in circles around the alter.
on the out-side, the CE bard sits on the chair, and is told how to dispel the trap on the alter. he was given a spell, and he used it. Modikans disjunction epic level.......
on the inside, we find out the trap and back up traps are destroyed, and the dwarf is sent flying into a wall. lol. we find a rod inside the alter that is NG...
yea, we had fun. turns out, the chair was a NE Bronze Dragon. the DM made him awhile ago. then we find a cleric of this Dragon, the centaur cleric gets quartered (moron used a bless on us and it hit the cleric) i run and hide in the water way we came out of, the battleragers start thashing on him, and the rogue do their thing. i polymorph into a raptor and jump out of the water, charge him and find out he hits the ground and his heads removed, then i see a copy of him standing there, with the severed head... a cereberal assassin got to him.... and i wanted to test my raptor form out, i see this and jump for the water turn into a fish, and get eatten by a snapping turtle...
in a campian i was playin in, i was the sorcerer in the group, we had two battleraggers (dwarves that have blades on their armor and contiune to run into things till they die) and two rouges and a centaur cleric....(hes a long story.) a bard, and a dwarvin cleric, were in a cavern like area, and find a path way, it leads into a throne room like area, with a bronze throne in it, and a silver alter in there. one battle rager gets the bright idea to sit on the chair. he gets thrown off and hits a wall on the other side, the other battlerager, with his 7 int, ( this guy played him well, almost to well) gets the bright idea to take the body of our previous bard and put him on the chair, after finding out its NE. the 7int battlerager and the centaur get into an argument about the dwarf putting a dead body on a NE chair, for fear of it raiseing a zombie... after a fight the bard we have with us who is CE sings and suggests that the centaur sits out in the hallway. the Dwarf places the body on the throne and it gets toasted.
Meanwhile, me(the sorc) the two rouges, and dwarven cleric check out the alter, comes to find out, that the area around the alter is a trap, and the drawf sits on the alter, triggering that trap. the mini-world we were in starts to shrink. the dwarf gets the bright idea to make a running leap into the void to see if he can make it out. one would think he fell, but the gravity was centered around the alter, so he spun in circles around the alter.
on the out-side, the CE bard sits on the chair, and is told how to dispel the trap on the alter. he was given a spell, and he used it. Modikans disjunction epic level.......
on the inside, we find out the trap and back up traps are destroyed, and the dwarf is sent flying into a wall. lol. we find a rod inside the alter that is NG...
yea, we had fun. turns out, the chair was a NE Bronze Dragon. the DM made him awhile ago. then we find a cleric of this Dragon, the centaur cleric gets quartered (moron used a bless on us and it hit the cleric) i run and hide in the water way we came out of, the battleragers start thashing on him, and the rogue do their thing. i polymorph into a raptor and jump out of the water, charge him and find out he hits the ground and his heads removed, then i see a copy of him standing there, with the severed head... a cereberal assassin got to him.... and i wanted to test my raptor form out, i see this and jump for the water turn into a fish, and get eatten by a snapping turtle...
Zombies are not real! The Government is still doin Human trails!
Have you ever wondered why, in a dream you can touch a falling sky? Or fly to the heavens that watch over you. - Godsmack
Have you ever wondered why, in a dream you can touch a falling sky? Or fly to the heavens that watch over you. - Godsmack
[QUOTE=Rob-hin]Silly question: did he live?
In a quest a ran a year back, one of my players played a monk in search of a legendary sword.
So, I let him find it after a while and it turns out to be a living sword; it could talk to him telephatically.
Later that campain, as they were captured by the villian: a wizard/Acolyte of the Skin (a wizard wearing a demon skin).
As a form of his own amusement, the AotS does the ritual to this very same monk. He gets a 'living' demon skin wrapped around him. Problem is, the skin can talk to him, telepatically.
By the end of the campain, the monk wanted to kill himself as the sword and the demonskin were in constant dissagreement and tried to make the monk do their bidding. It drove him nuts.
I had a good laugh though. [/QUOTE]
thanx to Rob-Hin, i'll never play a monk again.. ;-)
In a quest a ran a year back, one of my players played a monk in search of a legendary sword.
So, I let him find it after a while and it turns out to be a living sword; it could talk to him telephatically.
Later that campain, as they were captured by the villian: a wizard/Acolyte of the Skin (a wizard wearing a demon skin).
As a form of his own amusement, the AotS does the ritual to this very same monk. He gets a 'living' demon skin wrapped around him. Problem is, the skin can talk to him, telepatically.
By the end of the campain, the monk wanted to kill himself as the sword and the demonskin were in constant dissagreement and tried to make the monk do their bidding. It drove him nuts.
I had a good laugh though.
[/QUOTE]thanx to Rob-Hin, i'll never play a monk again.. ;-)
[QUOTE=Rob-hin]Silly question: did he live?
[/QUOTE]
Actualy, yes the party survived that encounter but only because that particular red had some use for them.
He traped them and then he offered them their lives if they would do something for him. He explained them that in exchange for their lives they must take a chest of gold, gems and jewelery together with his offer of courtship, and deliver it to a female red dragon he wished to court, and after delivering his gift and offer they were suposed to return with her answer. To ensure they do what he "asked" the party had to sign some Contract of Nepthas.
[/QUOTE]
Actualy, yes the party survived that encounter but only because that particular red had some use for them.
He traped them and then he offered them their lives if they would do something for him. He explained them that in exchange for their lives they must take a chest of gold, gems and jewelery together with his offer of courtship, and deliver it to a female red dragon he wished to court, and after delivering his gift and offer they were suposed to return with her answer. To ensure they do what he "asked" the party had to sign some Contract of Nepthas.
A new rogue player:
"When all other party members are asleep, I go down the stairs and check out the town."
-"You turned in very early and most of the town is still sitting at the bar or at some tables."
"I move silently down the stairs and to the door."
-"everyone looks at you and wonders what you are doing."
But I rolled for a 27 total! they couldn't have heard me!
-they are amazed at how quietly you can move, but the light and the bare walls give you no way to hide
_________
This person had convinced some people in the bar that the fighter in the group was insane. There were some doubts about her as well now. In the end the fighter and rogue kill each other. my shortest campaign ever and a valuable lesson. Never get those two togeher again.
"When all other party members are asleep, I go down the stairs and check out the town."
-"You turned in very early and most of the town is still sitting at the bar or at some tables."
"I move silently down the stairs and to the door."
-"everyone looks at you and wonders what you are doing."
But I rolled for a 27 total! they couldn't have heard me!
-they are amazed at how quietly you can move, but the light and the bare walls give you no way to hide
_________
This person had convinced some people in the bar that the fighter in the group was insane. There were some doubts about her as well now. In the end the fighter and rogue kill each other. my shortest campaign ever and a valuable lesson. Never get those two togeher again.
If something can go wrong, it will go wrong
Always prepare for the worst
Never let experience guide you: every day is different
Antagonist
Always prepare for the worst
Never let experience guide you: every day is different
Antagonist
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AarronIkarus
- Posts: 62
- Joined: Mon Mar 28, 2005 8:21 pm
- Location: Washington state
- Contact:
A while back I was involved in an adventure of first level characters. There were six of us in the beginning, six of us got killed, and there were six of us at the end. The odd part? We never did get to the adventure. The entire thing tool place on the ship we were sailing to the quest area. I was playing a half-orc fighter with a two-handed sword and there was a dwarf in the party. The two of us took an instant disliking to each other, but, for the sake of the adventure, agreed not to kill each other until the quest was finished. Unfortunately, one of the other party members also didn't like dwarves and decide to attack now. Me, being the 'honorable' half-orc that I was, couldn't let this happen. I want my chance to kill the little runt after the quest. I took a mighty swing at the dwarf's assailant with my two-handed sword and...fumbled, nearly cutting myself in half. Oops. Maybe honor should take the back seat to some things.
Live fast. Fight hard. Die in a blaze of glory.
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Siberys
- Posts: 6207
- Joined: Sat Apr 30, 2005 7:16 pm
- Location: I live in that one place with the thing
- Contact:
The power of Thbbbbppppttttt compels you.
All right, new one for you entitled The power of Thbbbbppppttttt compels you.
The story goes as follows. I kinda went Excorcist in a campaign recently, so I had 5 paladins and the PC go up to this girls room and the girl was possessed right. Well, I had the PC make a wisdom check to see if he could get the demon to come out. His first roll a 1. His second, a 20.
"Well, it seems that you for some strange reason consumed the holy water, but quickly countered that with spraying the water all over the girl."
The demon started struggling to get free.
"Quickly men, this stranger might have just found the way to release and banish the demon."
All 5 paladins consumed the holy water and then spit it all over the girl.
One even kept saying-
"The power of Thbbbbppppttttt compels you. The power of Thbbbbppppttttt compels you."
Twas a good time indeed.
All right, new one for you entitled The power of Thbbbbppppttttt compels you.
The story goes as follows. I kinda went Excorcist in a campaign recently, so I had 5 paladins and the PC go up to this girls room and the girl was possessed right. Well, I had the PC make a wisdom check to see if he could get the demon to come out. His first roll a 1. His second, a 20.
"Well, it seems that you for some strange reason consumed the holy water, but quickly countered that with spraying the water all over the girl."
The demon started struggling to get free.
"Quickly men, this stranger might have just found the way to release and banish the demon."
All 5 paladins consumed the holy water and then spit it all over the girl.
One even kept saying-
"The power of Thbbbbppppttttt compels you. The power of Thbbbbppppttttt compels you."
Twas a good time indeed.
Listen up maggots, Mr. Popo's 'bout to teach you the pecking order.
It goes you, the dirt, the worms inside of the dirt, Popo's stool, Kami, then Popo.
~Mr. Popo, Dragonball Z Abridged
It goes you, the dirt, the worms inside of the dirt, Popo's stool, Kami, then Popo.
~Mr. Popo, Dragonball Z Abridged
In a lower level part of our campaining we got into somewhat of an ambush by a large ammount of orc, after some bad rolls on our part and some decent rolls on the Dm's part me (fighter) and our cleric decided to high tail it out of there, since we rolled initiative over the ranger we already decided in advance to just run in our turns, the rangers turn comes and the DM asks "what do you do" ranger replies "I shoot the orcs with my longbow" Yea he got a very nasty surprise after that.
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Rob-hin
- Posts: 4832
- Joined: Tue Aug 21, 2001 11:00 am
- Location: In the Batcave with catwoman. *prrrr*
- Contact:
In our current campain, I play a druid with a Unicorn animal companion.
We had to venture into a cave, oddly enough the unicorn didn't fit through the entrance so my character had to push it in.
Then we wen't into the underdark, some driders were comming so we had to hide...into another small cavern...*sigh* I had to shove the unicorn in again.
Also, other players had problems with a talking 'horse' which followed uss around and started calling him Mr Ed.
Still loads of fun, though I like to give the DM trouble about it.
We had to venture into a cave, oddly enough the unicorn didn't fit through the entrance so my character had to push it in.
Then we wen't into the underdark, some driders were comming so we had to hide...into another small cavern...*sigh* I had to shove the unicorn in again.
Also, other players had problems with a talking 'horse' which followed uss around and started calling him Mr Ed.
Still loads of fun, though I like to give the DM trouble about it.
Guinness is good for you.
Gives you strength.
Gives you strength.