Life's Tough Get a Helmet

[Athena]

Indeed a tragic tale...Someone close to me is an inmate that only gets out of his cell for about five hours a day. He has been on phrobation for many years since he barely became a teenager. He never got a chance to be a kid, grew up way too fast, a leader to his peers. Now his time passes very slowly. I'll ask my fellow SYMers for help please. Post some twisted, sick, perverted, classy, drastic, depraved humor in here that I can send to him. Do this for me and more importantly, him. Just think you could brighten up someone's day. Thanks.

P.S. anything you think is too twisted to post, I urge you, please pm or email me. Your input is greatly appreciated.

[TonyMontana1638]

I'd urge you to go out and buy The Aristocrats on CD or DVD that just came out: it contains the sickest, most perverted jokes I've ever heard in my life.



A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.

"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."

"What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.

"Oh, its just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."

No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smith's for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water



A man in a restaurant orders the house special. An old waiter brings out the order beginning with some hot soup. The customer notices the waiter has his thumb in the soup.

Feeling sorry for the old man he doesn't mention it, and leaves the soup uneaten. When he brings the main course his thumb is in the potatoes. Then in the coffee.

Finally, he angrily asks the waiter why he has his thumb in all his hot food. The waiter says, "I have arthritis and the doctor told me to keep it in something warm." The customer says, "why don't you stick it up your ass!" And the waiter says , "I do that in the kitchen!"



A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old
Indian.
Above the old Indian was a sign that read, -$5.00 - If
I can't tell you where you're from,
I'll pay you $50.00!"

The young man watched a cowboy approach the Indian
and ask, "Is the sign right?"
The Indian says, "yes."
The cowboy hands him a five and says, "you're on!"
The Indian looks the cowboy up and down, noticing some
cow dung on his boots and flatly states, "you're from
Wyoming."
The cowboy shakes his head and says, "I'll be darned!
You're right!" and strolls away.

A second cowboy approaches the Indian and goes through
the same routine. Handing him the fiver, he stands and
watches as the Indian looks him up and down and notices
a bit of straw and cow dung on his boots.
The Indian says, "you're from
Montana!"
The cowboy, dejected as all get out, walks away.

The young man decides he's going to give the Indian a run
for the money. He goes into the men's room, takes his boots
off, scrubs them up, dries them off, puts on a coat of polish
and approaches the Indian. He hands the Indian a five dollar
bill and says, "do your stuff!"
The Indian looks and looks, up and down, and appears to be
befuddled. The young man is now thinking he's gone one up on
the Indian.The Indian says, "You're from
New Zealand!"

The young man gets really upset and can't for the life of him figure out how the Indian could know that, so he asks, "How in the world did you know I'm from New Zealand?"
The Indian replies,
"by the wool on your zipper.

[Athena]

excellent.:devil: a great start for a collection.

[dragon wench]

Top 5 Smart Ass Answers For 2005...

I think some of these are slightly lame, but I recently deleted a lot of emails with these types of things. Here goes, anyway.


TOP 5 SMART ASS ANSWERS FOR 2005...

Smart Ass Answer #5:

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the
ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket,
not your stub."

Smart Ass Answer #4:

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery
store, but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The
stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Smart Ass Answer #3:

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Smart Ass Answer #2:

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign
comes up that reads, "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the
bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the
bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The
cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands
on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says,
"No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

AND NOW........FOR THE..........
#1 SMART ASS ANSWER SO FAR FOR THE YEAR 2005
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for your not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it,
no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class
is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is restored , the
teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says

"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

[Athena]

delightfully devious.:devil: Haha

[TonyMontana1638]

DW that last one was hilarious: I actually audibly chuckled to myself here!:laugh:

[Phreddie]

Tony/DW: that last is pretty old, but nonetheless hilarious, I used to have a trove of these jokes, some not to apropriate, like the one about the lion, that couple and the circus, but I cant remember how it went... ill try and remember and get back to you later on it.

[Athena]

Anything to lessen the monotonous madness.

[Magrus]

Too early to think of amusing things. Lemme get some caffiene and alcohol in me and I'll see where this takes me. Shame about your friend.

P.S. I thought this thread was going to be making fun of idiots with the helmet thing. I always tell idiots to go get a helmet.

[Athena]

C'mon Magrus I know you'll come up with some sick humor.
DW, I saw the rainy day humor thread you did. I'll use some of that stuff too.
Well, off to work for me. Keep scheming up twisted humor while I'm gone, thanks again.

[ch85us2001]

What do people from the Hood eat???????????????

Spaghetto!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

( I know, thats lame.)

[Lestat]

I posted them earlier in the SF, but they probably were drown out by the spam.

Answer to questions like
What would Lady Di do if she were still alive? (replace with other deceased celebrity if you wish):
Highlight for answer: Scratch the inside of her coffin lid, probably.

Another:
What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
Highlight for anwer: Slow down and use a lubricant

[dragon wench]

The 'mother-in-law' is on another spamming up the inbox binge today... At least I can put her missives to good use here though...



Grandma's Birth Control Pills

A doctor, that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her
life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicine that had been prescribed for her. As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes
grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?"
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that
could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee. "Yes, dear, I know
that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in my 16 year old
granddaughter's glass of orange juice.................and believe me,
it helps me sleep at night."


The Prize

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the best
toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street
corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize
the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."


For the Football fans

A little old lady is walking down the street, dragging two plastic garbage
bags with her, one in each hand. There's a hole in one of the bags, and
every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement.
Noticing this, a policeman stops her...."Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling
out of that bag..."
"Damn!" says the little old lady....."I'd better go back and see if I can
still find some. Thanks for the warning!"
"Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?"
"Did you steal it?"
"Oh, no", says the little old lady. "You see, my backyard backs up to the
parking lot of the football stadium. Each time there's a game, a lot of
fans come and pee in the bushes, right into my flower beds!" "So, I go and
stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone
sticks his little thingie through the bushes, I say: $20 or off it comes!"
"Hey, not a bad idea!" laughs the cop. "OK, good luck! By the way, what's
in the other bag?"
"Well", says the little old lady, "not all of them pay up"....


The Hypnotist

It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing Claude
was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude went to the front of the me eting room, he announced,
"Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here
to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the
audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique
pocket watch from his coat.

"I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very
special watch. It's been in my family for six generations."


He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,

"Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch.."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light
gleaming off its polished surface.

Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until,
suddenly,-----
it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking
into a hundred pieces.

Crap!" said the Hypnotist...

It took three weeks to clean up the senior's centre....


Women Drivers....

I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Cadillac doing 65 mph with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner. I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup. As a man, I don't scare easily. But she scared me so much; I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed, and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an important call. Damn women drivers!!

[dj_venom]

@DW, keep them coming, they'll have me laughing for ages.

This first one will please the ladies...

A man and a woman are driving down the same road at the same time. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window, points and yells, “PIG! ” The man immediately leans out his window, shakes his fist and shouts back, “WITCH!" They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he slams into a pig that had wandered into the middle of the road.

If only men would listen.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~

A 70-year-old man went to the doctor's for a physical. The doctor ran some tests and said to the man, "Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?"

And the man answered, "Oh me and God? We have a really tight bond, he's so good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off."

The Doctor was astonished. He called the man's wife and said, "I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?"

And she said, "That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!"

[Athena]

[QUOTE=Lestat]What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?[/QUOTE]
my answer:wet her down with your hose.:devil:

[Magrus]

I was distracted all day. I have dirty stories, I'm not so good with coming up with jokes any longer (not on the spot at least, I need inspiration). I'm not sure whether your friend would want any of my personal dirty stories.

[dragon wench]

[QUOTE=Athena]my answer:wet her down with your hose.:devil:[/QUOTE]

All the more reason for the girlfriend to have a post-coital smoke.... :devil:

[Magrus]

What gives with dirty females today? You two are venturing very close to what I was putting up with all afternoon! :laugh:

[dragon wench]

@ Tony and DJV

@Magrus...

@Athena,
these are some I have previously posted. I'm not sure if you saw them, so I'll put them here as well


How Was I Born?

A little boy asked his father " Daddy, how was I born?"

Dad responds, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out!

Might as well be right now. So here goes.

Well, you see, your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN.

Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe.

Then we sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Pop-up appeared and said 'You've got Male'.


The Priest and The Lady

A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland.
She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked:
"Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?"

"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"

"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated vibrating hair remover for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?"

"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie."

"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions", and she gave him the 'hair remover'.

The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked,
"Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son", he replied.

Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?"

The priest replied,
"I have there a marvelous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used."

Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father. Next!"


Christmas With Louise

Apparently this is an article submitted to a 1999 Louisville Sentinel contest to find out who had the wildest Christmas dinners. This won first prize.

As a joke, my brother used to hang a pair of panty hose over his fireplace before Christmas. He said all he wanted was for Santa to fill them. What they say about Santa checking the list twice must be true because every Christmas morning, although Jay's kids' stockings were overflowed, his poor pantyhose hung sadly empty.

One year I decided to make his dream come true. I put on sunglasses and went in search of an inflatable love doll. They don't sell those things at Walmart. I had to go to an adult bookstore downtown.

If you've never been in an X-rated store, don't go. You'll only confuse yourself. I was there an hour saying things like, "What does this do? You're kidding me! Who would buy that?" Finally, I made it to the inflatable doll section.

I wanted to buy a standard, uncomplicated doll that could also substitute as a passenger in my truck so I could use the car pool lane during rush hour.

Finding what I wanted was difficult. Love Dolls come in many different models. The top of the line, according to the side of the box, could do things I'd only seen in a book on animal husbandry. I settled for Lovable Louise. She was at the bottom of the price scale. To call Louise a doll took a huge leap of imagination.

On Christmas Eve and with the help of an old bicycle pump, Louise came to life.

My sister-in-law was in on the plan and let me in during the wee morning hours. Long after Santa had come and gone, I filled the dangling pantyhose with Louise's pliant legs and bottom. I also ate some cookies and drank what remained of a glass of milk on a nearby tray. I went home, and giggled for a couple of hours.

The next morning my brother called to say that Santa had been to his house and left a present that had made him VERY happy but had left the dog confused. She would bark, start to walk away, then come back and bark some more.

We all agreed that Louise should remain in her panty hose so the rest of the family could admire her when they came over for the traditional Christmas dinner.

My grandmother noticed Louise the moment she walked in the door. "What the hell is that?" she asked.

My brother quickly explained, "It's a doll."

"Who would play with something like that?" Granny snapped.

I had several candidates in mind, but kept my mouth shut.

"Where are her clothes?" Granny continued.

"Boy, that turkey sure smells nice Gran" Jay said, to steer her into the dining room.

But Granny was relentless. "Why doesn't she have any teeth?"

Again, I could have answered, but why would I? It was Christmas and no one wanted to ride in the back of the ambulance saying, "Hang on Granny, hang on!"

My grandfather, a delightful old man with poor eyesight, sidled up to me and said, "Hey, who's the naked gal by the fireplace?"

I told him she was Jay's friend.

A few minutes later I noticed Grandpa by the mantel, talking to Louise. Not just talking, but actually flirting. It was then that we realized this might be Grandpa's last Christmas at home.

The dinner went well. We made the usual small talk about who had died, who was dying, and who should be killed, when suddenly Louise made a noise like my father in the bathroom in the morning. Then she lurched from the panty hose, flew around the room twice, and fell in a heap in front of the sofa.

The cat screamed. I passed cranberry sauce through my nose, and Grandpa ran across the room, fell to his knees, and began administering mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. My brother fell back over his chair and wet his pants.

Granny threw down her napkin, stomped out of the room, and sat in the car.

It was indeed a Christmas to treasure and remember.

Later in my brother's garage, we conducted a thorough examination to decide the cause of Louise's collapse. We discovered that Louise had suffered from a hot ember to the back of her right thigh.

Fortunately, thanks to a wonder drug called duct tape, we restored her to perfect health!

[Athena]

decadenaly depraved :devil:
[QUOTE=Magrus]You know what sucks? The weird guy with the mullet who's worked at the store I now work at for years can hit on anything female that walks by him. Me? I'm new, so I can't even crack a joke with any customer or I'll be fired. That's utter crap. I had to play nice with the girl who was flirting with me yesterday because of that crap. [/QUOTE]
[QUOTE=Athena] Mag, wouldn't your boss appeal to the customer satisfaction aspect of it? :concerned:[/QUOTE]
sounds like your boss has poor marketing strategies