Things I've learned from Rambo (Warning: subtle spoilers of the latest Rambo film )

Moonbiter · Post by **Moonbiter** » Thu Jan 24, 2008 5:59 am

Yes folks, he’s back! That guy with the headband and the dodgy mullet. King of the monosyllables. He who fights on all fronts. And it is up to me, the Moonbiter, to give you a report from the battlefield. Or rather the very first public screening ever of Rambo 4. I pondered putting this in “other entertainment” but since it’s more an observation and factual list than a review I put it in SYM.

I’ve always had a soft spot for Stallone. None of his characters have had as much impact on me growing up as Rambo. For people of a certain age up here on The Reef Rambo is not a name, it’s a terminology. He has taught us SO much! For instance:

I didn’t know you could fire an M72 rocket launcher inside the cockpit of a helicopter without being fried by the backblast. Rambo taught me how.
I didn’t know you could blow a Soviet HIND gunship out of the sky with a bow and arrow. Rambo taught me how.
I didn’t know the stormtroopers from Star Wars was Vietnamese. 5000 guys with AK47s who can’t hit the ground if they fell over? I’m on to you! Rambo taught me this.
I didn’t know the wilds and jungles of the world is full of hot chicks who get turned on by sweat, mud, blood, snakes and torture. Rambo showed me this.
I didn’t know that the evil-ness of Asian badguys are determined by their amount of facial hair. The more growth, the bigger fiend. Rambo taught me this.
A knife must be big as a sword and contain a compass, needle and thread, (why not knitting pins?) matches etc, and have a serrated edge in case you felt like being a lumberjack. Rambo taught me this

.

Now he has come out of retirement, and mister Stallone both writes, produces and directs. Gawds help us! The result has been given a 18 year age rating here, something that is highly unusual. I have absolutely no problem understanding why. Here’s what I learned from the new film:

If you want to find piece of mind and live a quiet life when you retire, you can’t possibly move to Lesser Dungy On The Hill in rural Gloucester to grow carrots. You must move to the civil war zone on the Thai/Burmese border and become a snakecatcher! Only then will you get away from the killing and brutality of the world. Rambo taught me this.
When faced with the option of raping a hot blonde missionary dame in a wet teeshirt or a filthy Burmese farmgirl in a black pyjamas, Burmese soldiers will go for the farmgirl. The hot blonde they just roll in mud and throw in a corner. Rambo taught me this.
The Burmese Army are swine. All of them! Lots of facial hair around. Not a single decent, moral, thinking man among them. Their sole purpose in life is to out-gross each other when picking on the civilian population, and grow facial hair. Burn a baby and you’re allowed to grow a moustache. Raze a village and you have a full Fu- Manchu beard coming up. Rambo taught me this.
All missionaries and aid workers are morons. Period. They will sell their house to buy Aspirin and go to Burma to help the poor population with no plan, no security, and no means of transportation. They just gamble on the chance that they will stumble upon a retired Vietnam vet who happens to be a supersoldier and owns a boat that just happens to be big enough for them. Naturally any group of missionaries must include a hot blonde in a white, clingy shirt. Those are very practical in the jungle. Rambo taught me this.
Burmese soldiers explode like a firecracker in a ketchup bottle if you hit them with a machine gun. This is a unique genetic trait for the Burmese military. Apart from that they are just as lousy shots as all other Asian soldier types. They also have no sense of direction what so ever, and will charge directly into your line of fire for no apparent reason. Rambo taught me this.
It is possible to fire an antique .50 calibre Soviet DShK heavy machine gun one-handed, while driving a truck or groping the hot blonde missionary dame in the wet teeshirt. It just takes a little practice. Rambo taught me this.

So now the role model for a new generation of high school boys is back, sharing more wisdom, learning and enlightenment than ever before. It is good to know that in case of a conflict somewhere, Rambo will be there to sort things out. In fact, if those dastardly Finns invaded Sweden (lots of nasty facial hair in Finland) our friend Rambo would just happen to live peacefully as a bear-wrangler outside Kiruna, and will foil their evil plans. In fact this is a great idea for Rambo 5! A 62 year old guy with a greasy mullet would blend in perfectly in northern Sweden, and the nation is full of blondes to rescue. (I think they invented blondes in Sweden) The region is also swarming with deranged christian cultists to supply the dumb missionaries. They all have guns! Russia is right around the corner to give us those nasty ex-KGB commie military advisor types and Asian mercenaries. There must be commie Asians in there somewhere or it won’t work. The premise is winter warfare, that’s something Rambo hasn’t done yet. A good setting to display blood and gore on snow, and blondes in small teeshirts. The dastardly commie Asian mercenaries are hired by Finns with the bad facial hair to exterminate the poor Saami population. In this one our hero will be firing a 30mm Gau-8 Gatling cannon one-handed while dodging stampeding reindeer. I’ll find a way to fit that blonde into that scenario. I want royalties, gadangit!

Ok, so I’m a little bored…

QuenGalad · Post by **QuenGalad** » Thu Jan 24, 2008 6:29 am

:laugh:

:laugh:

How did you get on the first public screening? And why?

Moonbiter · Post by **Moonbiter** » Thu Jan 24, 2008 7:20 am

The publishing company pulled a PR stunt and let a local film club get their clammy hands on the copy that was submitted to the censors. It actually came in three parts, with numerous breaks and technical problems. That was actually a blessing, since after every 10 minutes you were actually in bad need of some air.

I'm still shellshocked two days later.:laugh:

Maharlika · Post by **Maharlika** » Thu Jan 24, 2008 7:40 am

I edited the thread title a bit.

Considering the content of the first post and that not a lot has gotten THE CHANCE to watch the movie, I figured that we need to warn viewers first before reading the thread.

Moonbiter · Post by **Moonbiter** » Thu Jan 24, 2008 7:47 am

Thanx, I agree.

Though it is a Rambo movie.... Not many cats to let out of the bag, methinks.

Maharlika · Post by **Maharlika** » Thu Jan 24, 2008 8:06 am

True... then again, you'd still won't believe the number of suc... errr, I mean people who would still want to watch the film without being pre-empted as far as exact details are concerned.

Ode to a Grasshopper · Thu Jan 24, 2008 9:40 am

I can't take not knowing any longer!

Rambo wins, right?

Kipi · Post by **Kipi** » Thu Jan 24, 2008 9:45 am

Ode to a Grasshopper wrote:Rambo wins, right?

What would you think?

The question would be, how many baddies die before that

And no, haven't seen it yet, but if any knowledge I hold about Hollywood films, it's not hard to know...:laugh:

QuenGalad · Post by **QuenGalad** » Thu Jan 24, 2008 9:55 am

Moonbiter wrote:The publishing company pulled a PR stunt and let a local film club get their clammy hands on the copy that was submitted to the censors. It actually came in three parts, with numerous breaks and technical problems. That was actually a blessing, since after every 10 minutes you were actually in bad need of some air. I'm still shellshocked two days later.:laugh:

Perhaps this should be adopted as an official way to watch Rambo... then it would truly bring some novelty to the hollywood cinema. And, as far as involving hot blondes in wet teeshirts in movie scenarios, there is no such thing as a way to do that. You just throw them in, period. If anyone asks "why", then they're probably loonies, and if anyone asks "what for", well...

It's always suprising me, the number of women of all ages that actually want to act something like this.

Moonbiter · Post by **Moonbiter** » Thu Jan 24, 2008 10:37 am

Ode to a Grasshopper wrote:Rambo wins, right?

:laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh::laugh: THAT has to be worthy of some sort of SYM award!

I think hot blondes in peril is a vital selling point! I'm still pondering how I can put a few into the scene with the reindeer-stampede, though... maybe they should be riding the reindeer to get away from the Finnish commie Asian mercenaries who are following them in tanks? Genius! They are hot blonde scientist ladies who are escaping captivity! I see myself clutching a baldie for Best Screenplay! Happy times are here-laa-dee-dum.....

Faberge · Post by **Faberge** » Thu Jan 24, 2008 12:19 pm

I think I want to see that movie. It could be good as a bad movie - comedy.

Though, First Blood wasn't that bad. At least... the final two minutes weren't bad.

Maharlika · Post by **Maharlika** » Thu Jan 24, 2008 6:38 pm

I wonder...

...did he ever ran out of ammo?

Hmmm... did he even had scenes where he had to reload?

Loki[D.d.G] · Post by **Loki[D.d.G]** » Thu Jan 24, 2008 7:02 pm

QuenGalad wrote:It's always suprising me, the number of women of all ages that actually want to act something like this.

Girls watch movies like this?!?! That's it, I'll be watching the movie as soon as possible, just to see all the hot chicks in the cinema theater. And of course the hot blonde missionary. :laugh:

Ode to a Grasshopper · Thu Jan 24, 2008 9:09 pm

Don't forget to say hi to the boyfriends who've dragged them along to the movie in the first place...

Fiberfar · Post by **Fiberfar** » Thu Jan 24, 2008 11:46 pm

Maharlika wrote:...did he ever ran out of ammo?

Hmmm... did he even had scenes where he had to reload?

You should take a closer look to the awesome and flawless Commando, staring the Governator.

He doesn't reload, the ammunition belt get's longer for each new scene! :laugh:

Moonbiter · Post by **Moonbiter** » Fri Jan 25, 2008 7:00 am

That's nothing. John Wayne didn't reload once in 100 westerns! The magic .45 Peacemaker...

If you look here [url="http://worldofwonder.net/images4/rambochardlatimes.jpg"]http://worldofwonder.net/images4/rambochardlatimes.jpg[/url] you'll find the LA Times "Rambo carnage chart." The curve is UP! UP! AND AWAAAYYY!!!!!

Brother None · Post by **Brother None** » Fri Jan 25, 2008 7:02 am

The craziest thing about Rambo is not the endless ammo or logic-defying action.

It's the naming.

The first movie was called First Blood. Ok, that works.
The second was called Rambo: First Blood II. Maybe that should read First Blood II: Rambo, but whatever.
The third one suddenly wasn't a First Blood anymore and was just Rambo III.

Now this is Rambo. That means the sequel could be Rambo II. But the sequel to that can't be Rambo III, because that already exists, so the sequel would have to be called Rambo IV: First Blood III.

Amirite?

You should take a closer look to the awesome and flawless Commando, staring the Governator.

Commando is one of my favourite action flicks of all time. Arnold vs. The Columbian Army. What can go wrong?

Moonbiter · Post by **Moonbiter** » Fri Jan 25, 2008 9:38 am

Well, it's all contradictions, isn't it? I mean, it can hardly be called FIRST Blood when it's number two, can it? It should have been called "Second Blood" or "Some More Blood." Maybe "First Blood Of This Particular Type." My masterpiece will be called "Rambo 5: His Blood," as it will include the kidnapping of his hot blond scientist missionary wife and his hot blond teenage daughter. This is a time-honored plot device to revive dying action movie franchises. Oh, and he will actually get hit this time! Yes, in another genius plot twist one of the 387 504 shots fired at him will actually graze his left bicep, giving the viewer yet another subtle reference to the title.

Brother None · Post by **Brother None** » Fri Jan 25, 2008 1:01 pm

Moonbiter wrote: Oh, and he will actually get hit this time! Yes, in another genius plot twist one of the 387 504 shots fired at him will actually graze his left bicep, giving the viewer yet another subtle reference to the title.

Oooh, I don't know, sounds a little vague, I don't think the audience will buy it.

He should probably get grazed, and then when he meets up again with the hot mother & daughter there should be some dialogue (sinful, I know, but still):
Daughter: "He has blood all over his arm!"
Mother: "Oh, no, it's his blood! *meaningful pause taken to stare at the audience*"

Ode to a Grasshopper · Fri Jan 25, 2008 10:00 pm

Perhaps he could donate some blood instead?

Guys, we're going way overboard here. Surely the ol' "Concealed Bible/Red Wine flask under the Tank Top" would make the point without exposing fans to the trauma of seeing their erudite hero actually being shot?
The best bit is Sly could drink all the wine and still sound just as coherent afterwards.

Perfect one-liner: "Commie bastards! They always bleed red..."